I’ll never ___________ !

Do you ever get the feeling something is holding you back from getting the promotion you desire, walking down the isle at your wedding, saying hello for the first time to your child or experiencing the true joy that comes through living a life of pure peace?

Somewhere in the middle my climb up the career ladder, I landed a job that maybe I wasn’t quite mature enough for. I struggled to understand the politics of the company. I had more responsibility than the others who had my title and took jobs away from the more senior designers. I seemed to always be disappointing someone no matter how hard I tried. I would have particularly bad days and find myself making comments like “things will never change for the better as long as I am in this job.”

Nothing I did seemed to please anyone. Coworkers or management was always criticizing me. No one took me under their wing and mentored me. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle everyday, and eventually, bruised and emotionally broken, I left that job and never looked back.

Not only did I struggle in my work life, but I also seemed to jump from one bad relationship to the next. Something always drew me to the wrong guys to date. I used to joke that if there was a loser in a two-mile radius, I’d be completely attracted to him. I aggressively went after the “bad” boy, and then fell apart in complete shock when he did something really bad to me. I remember once meeting a guy in college and was in love instantly. I remember thinking it was awesome that he dumped his girlfriend for me. He jumped from one relationship to the next without a single regard to the young woman he was hurting. And low and behold, I was totally blown away when he did it to me nearly a year later when I was so deeply in love that it destroyed me. He cheated on me, dumped me and never looked back.

This break up damaged me in ways I’ve just started to understand. After this trauma, I spent the next few years shut down, thinking of myself as unworthy of love. I can remember saying things to myself like “I will never let myself fall in love and get hurt again. No one will ever love me.” Pair a low self image with feelings of unworthiness, and I began to identify my worth by my career title rather than who I truly was in God.

Since I was a young girl, I longed to be a wife and could not understand why I never met the “one”. As my friends were getting married, and I could barely get a second date, I started making careless statements in order to outwardly project to my friends that I was “okay” with not being married even though I was shedding tears on the inside. I would say silly things like “I don’t need a man to be fulfilled in my life. I never want to be married.” I even went as far as to say ridiculous jokes like “I will never marry. I will just be the editor or creative director of a magazine and will just have flings with hot men.”

When my friends started having children, I convinced myself that I could date Mr. Wrong, raise his children, and that would make me happy. I can recall saying, over and over, “I’m fine never having a baby of my own.” Oh, how I think back now and truly regret those words.

What I’ve realized now all these years later is that I set myself on a path that kept me single, unmarried, childless and miserable. The many declarations and oaths I declared made it so that I could not fulfill God’s plan for my life. In every instance, I made these inner vows in an effort to protect myself from further pain. But all I really did with my words was create agreements with Satan. My statements paved the way for the enemy to torment me and have power through me.

Have you ever made an inner vow or promise completely unaware of the lasting, negative effect they have on us? I know I’ve made many. Even now as I am two years into trying to have a second child, I find myself (if I am not careful to guard my mouth and protect my heart) easily thinking and uttering comments like, “I’ll never get a complete family.” And no sooner do the words leave my mouth do I instantly know the potential damage I’m causing myself and my family.

What I have come to understand is the “I never” vows have tremendous life-shaping power, whether we really understand what we are promising or not. The honest truth is I was held captive for all those years in my ignorance as it says in Isaiah 5:13 “Therefore my people have gone into captivity, because they have no knowledge.”

I made my vows out of hurt, suffering and sorrow. I didn’t realize I was making statements that were keeping me trapped in my pain. My inner vows, which had been spoken as a wall of protection, had become a prison I couldn’t escape from. I wasn’t breathing life in my future. I was essentially killing my future with my own words.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” Proverbs 18:21

I have come to truly understand what that verse means. It only took until I was 40 years old for me to get a clue, and, obviously, I still tend to speak before thinking sometimes.

Where I have grown in knowledge is in my understanding that with God vows and promises based on lies can be permanently broken! I know I can turn to God when I’ve spoken death into my life, and have Him bring my future back to life.

When I find I’ve said something that could be a new vow or done something that triggers memories of an old vow, I turn to the tools taught to me in freedom ministry and do the following:

• Ask God to verify to me what vows I’ve made
• Seek forgiveness for believing and speaking lies into my life
• Ask God to show me truth
• Willingly come into agreement with His truth
• Honor God’s mercy, grace, love and forgiving nature
• Praise Him for healing me of old wounds

Through this freedom process and lots of prayer, God has helped me identify myself as a woman of worth. A purposeful daughter. I am no longer the girl who couldn’t do right in her job, nor am I the one who is not worthy of a man who truly loves her. God also showed me that even though I lost so many babies, I don’t have to suffer through the lie that I spoke so long ago that it was okay to never children of my own.

What vows have you made? Were there moments in your childhood that you said “I will never be like my mom” or “I will never get hurt by a man again”? What ever lies you spoke in the form of a vow, know that you no longer have to stay a victim of those vows.

John 8:32 says “…you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The truth you seek is with your God who loves you. If you find you are in a place in your life where things are stifled and dreams are not coming to pass, seek God. Ask Him if there is a vow you’ve made, and if so, seek to break the hold it has on your life.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, miscarriage

freedom, inner vows, truth, worthy

2012/05/24

Leave a comment

Do I really need to ask why?

I awoke one morning with a painful tightening in my stomach. I laid in bed worried if I was okay. I finally got up to be greeted by bright red blood. I knew what it meant. A + B = miscarriage.

For me there’s always an initial “robot” mode where I suck it up and deal with the phone calls, doctor’s appointments and blood work. It isn’t long though before the reality of the situation sinks in, and the pain in my gut is no longer the cramps but now is extreme emotional pain. This is the kind of hurt you never wish on another living sole. This is the kind of hurt I’ve had to deal with too many times.

These types of tragedies are just not fair. There reaches a point in all of this that while everyone else is living their life, enjoying their day, I am sitting alone in my house. My husband has gone back to work, and my life feels like it has come to a stand still. In the span of one hour I can go from crying to furiously wanting to break a vase to lying in my bed vowing to never get up again.

In the days after a miscarriage has ended, there is nothing left to show for the life Scott and I created. This is when I start down a scary path – one that if I am not careful can lead me straight to a bad place where it’s possible for me to believe in lies and grow increasingly angry at God.

Right now, you might be scratching your head and asking “what” and “why”. Those famous W’s would be exactly what I would be doing sitting in my room confused, curious and demanding answers to questions such as:

• Why this was not the right time?
• Why do I have to be the one chosen to suffer?
• Why am I not worthy?
• What could I have done to prevent this?
• Why can’t I be blessed like so many others?
• Why don’t people seem to understand what I am feeling?
• Why can’t I seem to protect my babies?
• Why did this happen to me again?
• What did I do to deserve this?
• Why didn’t God protect my child?
• What am I supposed to do now?
• Why doesn’t my husband feel as bad as I do?

Oh, the dreaded questions! When tragedy strikes it makes sense that we want to know why. We look around for someone or something to blame. We seek what we believe will make us feel better. If I can just wrap my head around this… I can accept it and move on.

I felt like if I could just understand what happened, then I would be okay. God created us with a brain, so it seems natural that we would use our minds in times of suffering to make sense of it. As logical creatures, it’s natural that we want to know, and in my case, demand to know why this loss occurred and what caused it.

God knew that as curious creatures, we would want answers. James 1:5 (NKJV) tells us that “if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God…” He’s for us and available to listen and comfort us when ever we need it.

What is important for us to keep in mind as we start to process through our pain and begin to ask questions is to always ask in the safety and comfort of God. I’ve learned through my losses that I must not leave Him out when seeking answers or I risk derailing my grieving process.

When I am struggling and need to understand what or why, it’s important that I seek the truth with God. In processing my first several miscarriages, I did not do this. I alienated myself and that left me vulnerable and open to misinterpret answers. This was when the enemy snuck in and planted seeds in me that grew into extreme anger, jealousy, shame and fear.

Today, I look at that list of questions and see the many traps that set up opportunities for the enemy to deceive me. For example, take the first one… why was this not the right time? Whoever said it wasn’t the right time? God allowed us to create life, so it was obviously the RIGHT time. The truth is every time I’ve been pregnant, it was His will for that child to be born. But in the weeks after my losses, drowning in my sadness, I felt sorry for myself. And seeking an answer to that question left me suseptible to believe the lie that it is wasn’t the right time so God took the child away. Crazy right?

Do you see how subtle the enemy can work in our lives to get us trapped in strongholds?

It is critical that we look at the questions we ask in hard times and be brave enough to answer the following:

• Is the answer to my question important to my healing?
• Does the what or the why even matter?
• Will it serve a valuable purpose to know the answer?

If you answer yes to the above questions, then I caution you to move forward carefully. And when you seek the answer to an emotionally painful question, I encourage you to first, look to the Bible. Seek His word to comfort you in your time of grief and suffering.

Second, I seek wisdom through prayer. Psalm 34:4 says “I sought the LORD, and he answered me…” Trust that God, your healer, hears you and will respond.

It’s comforting to me when I have to deal with tough questions to know that my Father, loves me and will be honest. As my counselor, He will answer me when it is warranted and even better, will guide me to ask the right questions when I am inquiring about the wrong ones. I can move forward through my pain and suffering, trusting that God will always bring me to a place of peace… a place where the answers to my questions just don’t matter anymore.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, miscarriage

comfort, grief, pain, suffering, trust in God, why

2012/05/16

Leave a comment

A Mother’s Day to Remember

Today is Mother’s Day. I want to send a shout out to all you who selflessly and lovingly give all you have to your children. Being a mother is a true blessing of God, and I am thankful every day for my beautiful daughter who has been with us now for two and a half years. She is pure joy. I love her beyond all comprehension, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

This day is always a bittersweet day for me. I think of my mom and how wonderful she is. I love that I get to celebrate with her on this special day and tell her what she means to me. I treasure my own daughter and am so delighted to be a mom.

At the same time, I can’t help but think about the lost babies I have in Heaven… how there are so many sons and daughters that I’ve never met. I miss them. I feel cheated that I am not celebrating this day with them because I am forever and always their mom! I choke up thinking about this…

And then I start to feel for all of the women out there who are still trying to have a child. You might be waiting to conceive or maybe you have suffered through a miscarriage, and feel like today is a day that is painful for you. I remember what it was like just a couple years ago. I’d all ready lost five children and nothing to show for me being a mother except some random baby clothes we’d bought and a few stuffed animals. I felt like a mom, and I would spend this day upset and feeling punished. I would do a pretty good job of feeling sorry for myself and convincing myself I must not be worthy of a child.

I had life growing inside my womb many times, yet on this day of all days… I felt alone and sad. I remember thinking maybe I should get a button or t-shirt made that says “I’m a mom too!”

I remember going to our Sunday church service. My parents were with us this Sunday. Our pastor at Gateway Church asked all the moms to stand up. I sat frozen in my chair. The angel on my right shoulder was encouraging me, “Stand up!” The devil on the my left side saying, “Sit still, you are not a mom!” I remember my mom leaning down and pulling me up. She said to me… “You are a mom! Stand proud.” And as I stood up… I sobbed.

For some… this day is glorious and easy as a Sunday morning. For others, Mother’s day is torture. I like to take this time right now to say to all you who are trying to conceive or those who are grieving the loss of your hopes and dreams… that you are a mom! You are a woman of worth. You are a woman of great courage. You are a woman who deserves to be stand up and be honored.

Miracles happen! There have been many women in the Bible and living today who beat all odds, stumped medicine and medical doctors when they became pregnant. I, myself, am here to tell you that with God… all things are possible. After five losses, two blocked tubes, genetic defects and being told I was sterile, God bless us with a baby girl. Faith believes even when all looks impossible. I encourage you to find courage – seek covering in prayer and ask intercessors to stand with you in faith. Where there is hope… there is God.

Dear Lord, I love you so much. And I would like to lift up to you every woman who is trying to conceive a child. Whether it is their first or they are trying for another baby, I ask that you meet them right where they are. Lord I pray you wash away every fear, every tear, every painful memory. Lord… I ask you to show them what is possible in the one who created all!

I pray that our Healer heals each and every one of you. I claim in the name of Jesus that all loss is redeemed and that conceptions happen. I pray covering over each one of you. I declare physical, emotional and spiritual healing right now! I pray that if any one of these women has been told their will never conceive, Lord, that you reach them, that you instill in them the faith of a warrior… that they can trust and know that with you… all is possible.

Lord… I pray you will reach out and touch each woman’s heart today. I ask Jesus to stand beside each one of you today and shower you with His love. I pray each one of you hear the whisper of His voice as He tells you all how special you are to Him. In Jesus’ name, I pray! Amen.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, infertility, miscarriage

Gateway Church, Hope, miracles, Mother's Day, Prayer

2012/05/13

3 Comments

Shedding the snake’s skin

People handle anger in different ways. Some blow up; yelling and screaming at everyone they love until they feel a release. Others bottle up anger and stuff it deep inside pretending it doesn’t exist until one day they find they can’t cope anymore with the enormous pain they are in.

I remember when I was a little girl I was a pressure cooker. I would hold in all of my feelings, my confusion, my frustration and my irritations. My parents had enough going on at home, so I would do my best to not be a burden on them. In my efforts to be the pleasing, perfect child, I would go weeks and months keeping my thoughts to myself and not expressing how uncomfortable I was getting with my hurt feelings. My emotions would build and build. I didn’t know what to do with them, so I would pretend I was fine until one day when someone merely glanced at me wrong… I would blow my stack. I would be angry and literally come unglued crying, screaming and raging until I felt better. What I realize now that I am much older and wiser if that I was shedding the snake’s skin.

Not to change the subject, but I just love our dogs. I watch them interact with each other and always marvel at how they express themselves. When Cosmo has had enough of our other dog bothering him, he simply bares his teeth, stares Bella down, and if he is really tired of her, he might growl at her. The beauty is she knows to back off and give him space because he is feeling frustrated and wants to be left alone. If she chooses to keep bothering Cosmo, he will merely snap at her. Anger. Reaction. Done in a second. Bella runs away, situation done.

Sometimes I wish that the people I love could be as perceptive as my dog Bella and would understand the cues I give off when I am getting beyond frustrated, puffed up and at the end of my rope. I’ll admit mine might be a short rope… but none the less… there were many years that I wished I had some fierce looking jowels that I could flash at someone when I needed the space to count to 10 to keep me from blowing up and expressing anger in a negative way.

Anger is a response related to having been offended, wronged or denied. Anger is a response that I struggled with most of my life as I mastered in my 20s a very negative and self-destructive way of dealing with my anger. In an effort to keep me from being the girl I was in my youth, I became a yeller. I would scream and holler, and it would feel good at the moment. What’s not alluring about bringing someone to your level… making them feel as hurt as you feel?

Even now… when I feel my frustration level rising with my amazing husband, it seems sexy at the time to just give him a zinger. I am just so certain at the moment of impact that he will feel my pain, take pity on me and apologize. In my head… I think this will solve all our problems, and we will make up and have a great night!

But the sad reality is it never works like that. He gets mad. I’ve been disrespectful and caused him harm. He’s now avoiding me and pulling away from me. He is not sympathetic or acknowledging my hurt feelings because he is now tending to his own wounds. The worst is I don’t feel better… I am angry, hurt, and now shameful. I start to think about myself as being a horrible wife, and that is when I imagine the snake is sitting there smiling down on me… as I have made him proud.

I think this is exactly what the Bible was referring to in James 1:20 when it says a man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. The more I wage the war of my anger, the less like God I am!

I love that God knew that we humans were just going to get angry sometimes. We all feel hurt or irritated when our needs or desires are not being met. Anger refers to the desire to “get even with”—that is, to take revenge on—the cause of the hurt… which for me in the last six years has been mostly anger at my recurrent miscarriage and at my spouse who didn’t always understand how miserable I was feeling.

I appreciate that He told us… it’s okay to feel mad. In Ephesians 4:26 Paul warns us to BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

We are warned in the Bible that we should be able to manage this emotion and not let it lead us into sin. That means I can acknowledge and own my feelings, but I can not react badly as a result of them. Disrespecting my spouse and uttering hateful words about my body grieves God.

I am still working on the yelling thing. To shed the snake’s skin, I have to make a HUGE effort every time I get angry or get overly emotional to remember that yelling is not going to do anything but make my life harder. Yelling accomplishes nothing positive for God, my family or me.

I will not get the outcome I desire when I choose to “punish” and misguidedly think I will get the love and support I so desperately want when I am broken. Harsh words will push any spouse away when you want him to actually draw near.

Lord… I pray to always remember that when I want to hear the comforting words “I’m sorry” or “I understand,” I must approach my spouse with a respectful heart. And I must know in my heart and head that I did not cause the miscarriages nor did my body,  and I should love myself just as much as God loves me.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, miscarriage

anger, sin, yelling

2012/05/11

Leave a comment

Words hurt. They really do.

We all say things we don’t mean. Whether it is in the heat of an argument or in the sorrow of grief, we all speak words that should have never left our mouth. We’ve all “joked” with someone who didn’t think it was funny or hurt someone’s feelings when we really didn’t mean too. Our tongues lash out, and we punish the ones we call friends and family, including God and ourselves.

Our pastor at Gateway Church is taking us through a series right now about the power of our words, and the positive or negative impact they can have on our lives and our destinys. I think about the words spoken over me and the one’s I’ve spoken through my life and how I set myself up for a lot of emotional struggles and created strongholds that have taken me years to break.

I spent the better part of my life not having much self worth. I didn’t have a very high opinion of myself because I was so self-conscience about the way I looked. I still feel the hurt and pain when I think about the name calling and rude comments. I still feel violated when I recall the one in high school who grabbed my chest in the cafeteria and joked that they must be fake because they were so big. I am still burdened with the emotional damage caused by the boys and girls in high school who teased me about my large chest.

What I didn’t understand at 16 years old was that these moments created a life long struggle for me. Somewhere along the line I made an unspoken agreement with the enemy. In my pain… I believed lies, and I opened a door through which he could easily torment me and influence what I thought about myself.

I went to college and thought I was a big fat nothing. I convinced myself no one would actually want to date me for me and looked for ways to mess things up and prove myself right. I pushed away all the Mr. Rights and ran after the Mr. Wrongs. I made judgements about myself – that I was ugly; that I was a hag; that no one would love me. It was these bitter root judgments about myself that led me into abusive relationships with men. These lies kept me jumping from one bad relationship to the next pretty much cementing lies as truth for the next 15 years of my life.

I can browse through my old diaries and see what an emotionally damaged and broken girl I was. I can trace it all back to high school when I wrote in the pages of my first diary “I am not worth anything. I am a hag. No one will ever love me.” And I repeated them over and over until I believe them. In face, I can read these same sentiments in book after book all the way up to when I truly came to love who I am in Christ. The lies stopped when I allowed the truth of the Holy Spirit to fill and define me.

Why do we as women feel the need to beat ourselves up with our words? Oh how I wish that young girl knew who she was in God the way I do today. I wish I understood then the power words have in our lives… to build us up or tear us down. To bring us promise and hope or to hoist upon us despair and pain.

I am very fortunate to attend a church that encourages us to seek freedom, and it is these very judgements and inner vows that I have had to break free of. I hope to never read the pages of those diaries again. I am not that wounded girl. Today, I am God’s daughter. I am a woman of worth. And someone very special loves me.

Wow… saying that is powerful! Jesus said “…You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

Facing the truth and breaking free of the bondage of lies that I carried with me since childhood has been so liberating. I can breath! I can look at myself in the mirror with ease. I can confidently say today that I no longer care what people think of me because my eyes and heart are set on the only one who should and can judge me.

What is amazing is that God says He knows me, and I am worthy! And the great news is that He know you too! Luke 12:7 says “Why, even all the hairs on your head have been counted! Stop being afraid. You are worth more than a bunch of sparrows.”

At nearly 41 years old… I still hesitate at wearing a tight shirt and still joke about how I don’t like to do any exercises where my chest is bouncing around. And then I have to instantly lay this at the feet of God by saying “Lord, I am sorry I agreed with these judgements; they were lies. I was uniquely and wonderfully made and there is nothing about my body that is ugly or embarrassing.”

What scars from word wounds are you carrying around? Horrible things you said to yourself or someone said to you? We’ve all been the victim of some kind of verbal abuse. It is time to rise up and take a stand against the enemy who bullies us. Pray for God to release His grace and mercy upon you. Invite Him to heal you and provide a new revelation about who you are to Him! Make a pledge to denounce any negative thoughts the enemy drops into your mind and heart. Ask God to shield you with His armor to protect you when you are weak.

In doing this… I’ve come to know the only words that matter are the ones spoken by God, my father. And I trust I will never hear any word from Him that isn’t loving and affirming.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing

bitter judgements, bullies, John 8:32, Luke 12:7, words hurt

2012/05/08

1 Comment

Will you be brave enough to go to your shack?

I am so grateful to have finally received the blessing of my daughter’s birth. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for the miracle I was given… to spend days on earth with a living breathing child… my heart just explodes thinking about it.

But some days, I start down a dangerous path when I allow my mind to starting thinking about all the children I’ve lost due to miscarriages…. the ones that will never take a breath on earth… the boys and girls that I didn’t get to birth before they were called to Heaven. I don’t like taking these walks… through memory lane because each loss was tragic and painful beyond anything I have experienced thus far in my life.

I’m only human, vulnerable and can’t help to wonder about them. Blonde hair or brown? Tall or short? Sweet, smart or both? I think about how old they would be now and how much Averey would have loved each one of them. I think about milestones with my girl and wonder about my others… skinny or chubby? Screamer or cryer? Picky eater or lover of all foods? And while I will spend the rest of my days here on earth thinking about the… I have found peace. These thoughts don’t destroy me anymore.

Last summer, when I was in bed two months healing from neck surgery, I decided I wanted to use this time of rest to spend time with God. I watched a lot of Daystar television and spent time soaking in the word, writing in my journal and reading books that I sensed God wanted me to pick up. Two of the books were in a very interesting order.

I first read Jack Hayford’s I’ll Hold You In Heaven and then William P. Young’s novel The Shack. Pastor Jack Hayford’s book inspired healing as it answered some longing questions I’d had on where were my children now? Would I ever see them again? He takes you through Bible verses to bring you answers and comfort. But it seemed like God knew I needed more. I am a visual person and have to see and feel it. So hence… The Shack!

I began to read it and instantly thought God must me kidding me – having me read a book about a murdered little girl. But I was faithful and kept reading. I soaked most pages with my tears and sometimes had to put it down for awhile, but the book blew me away. And soon in… I couldn’t wait to get through each chapter. Oh how I wished to be at that shack with the Holy Trinity!

When I reached the point where Mack is taken through his suffering and pain through a series of events that happen at or around the shack… I knew God had a big purpose in me reading this work at this exact time. Near the end,  Mack goes to a waterfall where he gets to see his daughter playing in Heaven. As I read each word, I knew God was speaking to me. I knew He wanted me to see where my children were. He wanted me to have a visual… one of my children being alive! I could see them in my mind playing soccer with Jesus. I sensed Him telling me they were happy and proud of me, and now I could see they really were.

In my room, stuck in my bed on Hartford Road… I was in my shack! God met me exactly in the room where my worst nightmares surfaced. He hugged me through my darkest moments. The Holy Spirit showed up for me every time I cried to comfort me and give me strength. He whispered to me and guided me through my pain and grief. They loved me when I was weak and helped me garner to strength to seek answers. And when I was ready… Jesus showed me the truth, the way and my children… Jesus is standing in for me to raise my children. What a gift! What an honor! To know that He loves me enough to cherish these lost children until Scott and I can be with them again.

What a revelation! I was ready for answers and God showed up for me just like He did for Mack in the novel and like He will for you too! It was from this point on I no longer lamented on their birthdays, the months I conceived them, the months I lost them. I stopped needing to validate their existence on this earth because I know they exist! My waterfall experience showed me that where they are is amazing and beautiful. I don’t need to worry or feel sad for them. Where they are is with God! And God shared with me that they love me and look foward to the day that I will get to see my soccer team again. And when I get there… I want to be wearing a “team Slater” jersey!

It is my prayer that each one of them knows how much I love them. God… please let them know that I am their biggest fans… that I will make my very best effort to be the mom they deserved by parenting Averey the very best I can.

I will be cheering for them when they take the soccer field with Jesus. When I start to get sad… I think of them playing and it warms my heart.  It’s impossible to be sad when you see them with Jesus. What a glorious image God gave me to take through my days… to erase the worst memories of my life. Each one of my children have touched my life in deep and significant ways. It is because of them that I have purpose and a passion in my life to help women. I promise to work tirelessly the rest of my life to show love to my lost children, and most importantly, to honor God.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, miscarriage

faith, Heaven, Jesus, pastor jack hayford, The Shack

2012/05/07

2 Comments

The last one standing… and I can’t stand it.

Secondary infertility was something I hoped to never know. I struggled for three years to have my first child. After my first few miscarriages, I remember the doctor telling me that now that I had been pregnant… it would be easier to conceive. He explained that typically, once a body is pregnant, the problems the woman had conceiving would simply just disappear the second time around. For me… this was just not the case.

We started trying for baby number two five months after our daughter Averey was born. Nearly six months later, we conceived yet miscarried very early. Not even three months later, we conceived again only to lose the baby at eight weeks. So in my mind… I thought I would most definitely be pregnant by my 40th birthday which was last July. And while I knew it was a very real possibility that I could miscarry again, our desire to have a child and our faith that God was giving us the green light kept us going.

As it was though… a major medical emergency cropped up in my life which resulted in a serious neck surgery and two months flat on my back. After that… I was on medication for at least eight more weeks which prevented us from actively trying. Once we had the green light… our OB suggested we try some fertility drugs which would help us become pregnant quicker. After three months with no success, he referred us to a fertility specialist where we kicked it up a notch and for the next six months, Scott and I rode on one emotional roller coaster ride which resulted in nothing but big cracks in our marriage. The pressure to have another child began to press on both of us. And as most everyone we knew was pregnant and/or birthing their third, fourth and fifth children, we were falling deeper into the enemy’s trap. My hormones were up and down like a yo-yo and so was my moods. I was not always the nicest wife to come home to. And Scott was so concerned about what days he needed to perform that we some how forgot along the way that making a child was supposed to be about an expression of love and not an act of sheer torture!

I finally had to take a stand. My marriage had to come first, so I choose to stop all fertility treatments. For the next several months leading into this new year… we worked on sealing up the cracks in our fragile marriage. We needed to make sure we were on solid ground again. Months would go by that we didn’t even hit our window once. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t supposed to have a second child.

For the last couple months… I’ve really dug deep about the desire of my heart. It has been almost a year since I have conceived a child and I’ve spent hours and hours with God about what His intent is for us. I’ve prayed for my marriage as well as for this second child. I have worked very hard at managing my jealousy, remaining optimistic and hopeful. I have fought a hard fight against bitterness and the need to think that life is just cruel and unfair.

Through the last two years I’ve had to watch everyone I know complete their families. I’ve had friends birth their fourth and fifth children. I have had to stand by and realize that I no longer have much in common with friends my age because their children are all much, much older than mine. And the women that are dropping their little ones off at my daughter’s school are all ready 10 to 15 years younger than me. And while I don’t want to sound like I am complaining… I have to say that I feel really lonely. It is just hard to talk to anyone about this.
So today… I am talking to you… the one reading my blog. I am putting this out there because I need to release my pain, and I am certain there will be someone who might identify with what I am going through. I need to set it free so the enemy can not use it against me.

I am nearly 41 years old. While the doctors say I have little to no chance of conception at this point – I choose stand in faith! Faith is believing even when all seems lost! I am reminded today of the power of speaking God’s word constantly over myself and my family. There is power in God’s promises, and I can stand on His word.

Today I needed the courage to battle through my suffering as two friends in two days announce they are pregnant. The courage came when God reminded me of Sarah and Abraham. It’s comforting that I can open my Bible and find a couple Scott and I can relate to and garner strength from. Initially neither one believed God’s promise to them, but God’s blessing was with them despite Sarah’s old age and situation.

Abraham, who was childless, prayed for others who ultimately birthed children. I know all too well what Abraham and Sarah must have been going through – the jealousy and longing that must have been with them seeing others receiving the blessings they themselves longed for.

As the story in Genesis unfolds, you learn how Abraham and Sarah kept serving God. What an amazing example of faith! They believed that God rewarded those that diligently served Him. And Sarah, who was way past her prime age to have children, eventually gave birth to Isaac.

Thank you God for knowing what I would need to read in your Word to help me find the courage to battle through my emotional pain and arrive to a place of peace and hope! It is in you Lord that all things are possible.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, infertility, miscarriage

Sarah and Abraham, secondary infertility

2012/04/23

5 Comments

What a miscarriage isn’t!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my biological clock. It’s ticking loudly, and the alarms are about to go off. Some would say I am still young at 41 and tell me how they knew of someone who conceived at 45. And while I can appreciate how amazing God is to have blessed that woman… I know the odds are not in my favor to conceive… let alone keep the child knowing I have all ready lost so many due to miscarriage.

The closer I got to day 28 in my cycle, I began to reflect upon my journey through infertility and loss. It was possible for us to have conceived, and I was eagerly waiting to see if I was going to start or not. This roller coaster is not fun for me as I know the day I start is always an emotionally sad and draining day. But I realized when I woke up on day 28 with cramping and spotting, that there was a small part of me that has become so afraid I will lose another child that I actually breathed a sigh of relief that I was not pregnant. I rationalized that the small ups and downs I feel month to month are nothing compared to what I could face when I see that pink line and miscarry several weeks or months later.

Wow! It’s scary the way the enemy works in our hearts and minds! I want another baby! I want to have a sibling for my daughter to grow up with! I desire that family of four! So I am fighting back. I will not let the enemy rob me of my dreams! I say with confidence that I will be thrilled to see a positive pregnancy test. I accept that there will be struggles, and I will have pray and lay down all fears to God and trust that whatever happens will be for my greatest good.

But to shift my mind into a positive place… I thought of some key things that miscarriage isn’t. Lord knows I have spent more time than I’ve ever wanted to learning about, thinking about and knowing what it is! I think it is time to focus on something good, so here is my list:

1. Miscarriage isn’t shameful. While you many not have experienced a loss yourself, you can rest assured that you will come across someone who has lost a baby. One out of  four pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s a sad fact. But what it isn’t is a tragedy that should inflict guilt and shame. I don’t know why our society refuses to speak out about this. It is the very fact that women are so tight lipped that causes it’s victims to feel such shame. When the truth is… none of us causes a miscarriage. The only one to blame is the enemy. So if you are feeling guilt or shame for any reason… don’t claim those thoughts! Don’t breath life into such negativity.

2. Miscarriage isn’t the end of the world. While we all know that a miscarriage means the end of a life, dreams, hopes and nine months of life changing planning, it is not the end of the world. I can say personally that for me… losing eight babies was no Sunday brunch… but I also look back upon the last five years and see that I am a much better person than I was. I have a whole new world available to me now… one that includes a relationship with Jesus. My miscarriages definitely changed me, but as a whole… I’ve changed into a woman that I am more proud of. I’ve become a better wife and mom because of my experience. My losses didn’t end the world because God will take any tragedy and turn it into a shining triumph.

3. Miscarriage isn’t a reason to fight with your spouse. If you are like me at all… you want your husband to understand and sympathize with everything you’re feeling. And when you experience a miscarriage, most often, it was never real to the spouse. Sometimes, he never even saw a heart beating on the monitor before the baby was gone. All there is to show for the growing baby was pink lines, blood work bruises on your arm and test results. While you are the one in miserable pain, bleeding, emotionally wrecked, the one you love is back to work… back to business as usual. That’s how it was for me. After losing twins in 2008, I grew jealous that he didn’t feel what I was feeling. I quickly grew angry and actually began to punish him. Desperate for him to show empathy, I lashed out. I hurled insults at him and pushed him away. I denied him intimacy because I felt alone in my pain. I did all of this until God showed me that Scott was grieving. My husband lost everything I did. I realized that I would be a horrible person to wish my pain and suffering on him. Our last several losses… I allowed him to grieve and placed zero expectations on him. I prayed for him to be spared any pain. I refused to be torn apart from him. God showed me that Scott could help me find the courage to keep trying. Ladies… lean on your spouse… don’t fight him! Remember that the baby was made in love, and in loss, you can and should keep on loving each other. Ultimately, showing love and respect to your grieving spouse is the best way to honor God and your child in Heaven.

4. Miscarriage isn’t defining you as a woman! God is the source of who you are… and only He defines us. Suffering through a miscarriage or stillbirth rocks you to your core. I know this personally as I was completely wrecked after our third loss. I drifted through months lost… not knowing who I was. I bought into the lie that if I couldn’t bear fruit then I was less than a woman. I was broken and defective. It took a lot of time sitting in the presence of the Lord before I realized the truth. I am not a victim. With God, I am a survivor!

5. Miscarriage isn’t the killer of your desire! One of the biggest things I’ve learned through my long journey to becoming a mom was that the enemy wanted me to quit dreaming, quit trying to conceive and give up trying to be the mother I knew God was calling me to be. There were months I thought I just couldn’t give it another go. I struggled to keep the faith and I would let fear stop me from dreaming. But one day… God instructed me to set my intentions. He asked me to journal to him every single day about the dreams I held on to. wilHe wanted to hear the desires of my heart. I began to pray for healing for my body. I prayed for the child to come. I prayed for our marriage to survive through this unbelievable struggle. For nearly four years now, I’ve set my intentions with God on paper. What I have learned is that suffering through the loss of child is enough loss. You do not have to also lose hope. I am here to say you do not have to surrender your desires over to Satan! Share your dreams with God! Write them on paper and take time to celebrate the little victories along the way to getting your end goal! Keeping your eyes on the future takes your eyes off the past! Keeping your eyes on the future means trusting and believing in the blessings God has in store for you!

6. Miscarriage isn’t a reason to give up on God! I am so thankful that we have such a forgiving and merciful God! There was a season in my suffering where I was so angry at Him. I blamed Him for my loss and I didn’t understand then why He was choosing me to loose so many children. I felt so alone in my despair and abandoned by the one who was supposed to love me the most. I wasn’t quiet about it either and I regret so much being vulnerable enough to breath life into these lies. What I have learned is God never left me. He held onto me with a tight grip, and He loved me despite my failings. When I finally took my blinders off and saw the truth… I realized that God is my number one fan. He is my champion. He spends every moment fighting for me.

As I suffered each loss God suffered with me. Every tear I shed… I began to see that He was crying with me. Every time I expressed anger at Him… my Father was comforting me. I can see Him brushing away a tear from my eye… telling me how much he understands my pain. I could feel His hugs as He whispered that everything was going to be okay. When I decided to release my pain long enough to stop blaming God, and I could let go of my anger… He allowed me to develop a relationship with him that is so deep and strong.

Today I know with certainty that I will have seasons in the wilderness. Whatever challenge it is that I have to face, I will trust God has a good reason. I will have faith that when the season is over… I will be wiser. I will be stronger. I will be changed. And most importantly, I will be closer to God.

Christianity, Faith, God, healing, miscarriage

grief, Miscarriage shame, wilderness

2012/04/10

Leave a comment

All that I had left was an empty feeling

I’ve always subscribed to the notion “you don’t know what you don’t know.”

Unless you’ve experienced the loss of an unborn child, you can’t quite understand what it is like. Most women seem to walk around with an innate “conception radar!” I’ve heard many friends say “I just knew I was pregnant.”

While we can all watch in amazement as the women on the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” recall their experience of going months, if not their entire pregnancy, never knowing they were with child, most woman can tell pretty early on that they are pregnant because  hormones are raging and physical changes occur which seem to  be felt immediately.

Most women take a home pregnancy test because they sensed or felt something. Whether it was bloating sensation, nausea, sore, swollen chest, or fatigue, an expectant mom usually knows they are pregnant long before there is an expanding waist line. Most of the times I was pregnant, I instantly developed a sense of smell that rivaled most blood hounds.

When a miscarriage occurs, it is typically spontaneous. After I suffered my first loss, I could think back and recall a point where I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I didn’t have that full feeling. I didn’t feel tired and the morning sickness vanished. I remember telling my husband how lucky I was that my first trimester seemed to be going so easy and smooth! How wrong I was. I was anything but lucky when staring at that monitor and seeing my baby no longer had a heart beat.

Suffering a miscarriage is a deep tragedy. There were several of my losses where I just woke up one day to a terrible feeling of emptiness. I had a sick feeling in my stomach, and it wasn’t long before the spotting would start. My doctor would always attempt to reassure me bleeding could mean nothing, but I knew what the spotting meant.

The emptiness is not only unbearable, but is a feeling that is not fleeting. Whether a mother miscarries naturally or by surgery, her body seems to instantly begin a recovery process. HCG levels quickly retreat, progesterone levels fall and your body starts to normalize. And while it takes some time for the body to fully heal from the physical toll and emotional shock of miscarriage, what seemed to take the most time for me, was coming to terms with the emptiness.

For me… the emptiness centered around a loss of hope and dreams. Most of my miscarriages happened around eight weeks so I had nothing to show for my loss. No one except my husband and parents even knew I was pregnant so I was in my own private hell.

I couldn’t move past the enormous hole in my heart and the longing I had to hold my babies. The emptiness slapped me in the face when I saw families. The emptiness would often manifest for me as loneliness as I thought no one understood what I was going through.

I remember when my daughter was born, I felt happy she was in the world with me, but I also felt such a sense of loss. I remember mourning her not being in my belly. I walked around for weeks with my hands still on my stomach. I was again empty, sad and lonely. I realized I felt this because I had lost so many babies. I missed being pregnant with Averey because the emptiness I felt when I miscarried the others came rushing back to me within hours of delivering her.

It takes a lot of time to work through the emptiness. I myself found it very hard to talk to my husband, friends and family because no one seemed to understand. So eventually, I started pouring my heart out to God in my journal, in my prayers and in quiet moments. I began to realize I wasn’t alone with God. The more I poured out to Him, the more He poured into me. Soon, I wasn’t empty anymore. In fact, my heart was full. I was overflowing with hope, courage and the bravery to face my fears.

I’ve miscarried two more times since my daughter was born. But with God’s help, I can move through my stages of grief without having to suffer through the severe emptiness. In thinking about this today… I was reminded of a verse that I’d like to end with. I hope it brings to you all that it promises!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Christianity, God, healing, miscarriage

emptiness, grief, Hope, Prayer

2012/03/28

Leave a comment

My life in Romans 5

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5 NLT

Grieving a child lost to miscarriage or still birth is one of life’s worst cruelties. There are not many worse ways to suffer than to realize all of your hopes are gone in an instant. My third loss was harder for me to come to terms with than the others. I remember when my doctor sadly announced that our child no longer had a heartbeat. We had all ready lost this baby’s twin, and now I was just told there would be no delivery, no birthdays, no hugs, no kisses… nothing but bad memories. I remember making the incredibly hard decision to move forward with a D&C when I realized I could not handle walking around with a “dead child” inside me.

After my surgery, I recall being numb. Eventually, numbness turned to sadness. Sadness folded into anger. I slowly fell into a deep depression. I was drowning in my pain.

Months later, God met me where I was at and paved a recovery road for me that I began to walk down one foot at a time. There were points I stumbled. Many days I tripped as I watched women walking around with their beautiful bellys and all I had was a shrinking waist line.

Other times, I would veer off my road… easily being lured into sinful ways. I went through a stage where I was so resentful and jealous. Seeing babies was like swallowing a bitter pill.

Along my journey, I encountered roadblocks. Bad reports from doctors, future miscarriages, months that no line showed up on my home pregnancy test when I was late – all felt like debris in the road. Many days, I felt stuck on a highway behind a million cars. I just knew I was never going to get to my destination.

And just when it seemed like I was back in the driver’s seat with my foot on the gas… making some solid progress on my road to recovery… I would have a mouthy, back seat driver. This was not a friend. No. This was a passenger who wanted me to be lost and would say and do anything to cause me to veer off my path.

Looking back over the last six years, most of which have included a travel down the lonely highway of grief, I see now that there were so many points that God showed up for me in amazing ways. I’ve learned so much about who I am in Christ. I found the courage to be strong when others would be weak. I’ve picked myself up and dusted myself off each time I Iost another unborn child. I have put on God’s armor and battled through many secret sins like jealousy, loneliness, anger, fear, doubt (just to name a few).

After miles and miles went by in my journey, I began to reach out to offer help to women in pain. Through God’s giftings, I began to write about my experience to inspire others to grieve with God while finding the hope to keep on trying for their children. I was blessed to hear God through a prophetic word, cement my faith in a supernatural way and see the birth of His promise when my daughter entered the world.

What I have taken away through my experience as an infertile and recurrent miscarriage survivor is that God takes tragedy and turns it into triumph. Today I can confidently say that I am a much, much better woman because of my journey. And while my path was littered with bumps, potholes and detours, God paved a way for me to prosper, to grow and to know Him in a deeper way.

Last week in a devotional, I wrote this… “To all of my children I must say I am grateful for you. Please know that all of you have set me on the path I’ve been on for awhile now. I love more today because of the journey we went on. Thank you all for allowing me to grow, to be your mommy and carry you in my heart forever. It is because of all of you that I desire to help women! You have all made me more than I ever thought I could be…”

To all of you women struggling through your grief… I encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day… you might write a similar letter to your child in heaven. One day you will look back and celebrate just how far you’ve come.

Christianity, Faith, infertility, miscarriage, Uncategorized

blessings, faith, God, healing, Hope

2012/03/27

Leave a comment