There was a period of time after I had suffered through my third miscarriage that depression took over. The light in my eyes went out, and I literally could only see the pain I was in. Months and months went by, and I wallowed in my self pity. I carried around the weight of shame, guilt and disappointment everywhere I went. And I fed this vicious animal speaking out comments like “everyone seems to get a child but me!” I remember rolling my eyes at newborns, pursing my lips at new moms, and clenching my fists every time I saw a pregnant woman. I remember griping to my husband that I was being punished because there was no where we could go that I didn’t see some lady sporting that big beautiful belly I longed to have. I was only seeing what I didn’t have… what I felt like I was being denied. As a result, life became empty, and I felt like I was completely alone.
The crazy thing was that at this time… God blessed us financially. My business was prospering. We seemed to want for nothing. We took lots of amazing vacations that year, and I was accumulating money in the bank. We were able to remodel some of our house. My parents who had been living across the country had moved back to Texas to be near us. I had made some amazing new friends in our neighborhood. Scott and I were happily married. We had two adorable dogs to care for and love.
But I didn’t see any of that. All I could see that summer… through that time in my life was the pain I was in. I was so focused on the negative, and I was consumed with jealousy and pain. I wanted what I wanted… and I wanted it right then! I had tunnel vision. I could not see that God was there… blessing me. He was doing great things for me, and because it wasn’t my child being born, I grew resentful and angry.
Today I look back upon my life with fresh perspective, and I realize that I was never alone. God was always there… helping me… managing my life for me. And today I am just so grateful to Him. The money we saved became the money we used to prepare for Averey and decorate her room. It was also the money that I would be able to live on and pay my bills after she was born and my work came to a screeching halt. The bathroom that got remodelled ended up being the bathroom that our daughter would use. My parents moving back became the greatest blessing of all because I was sick most of my pregnancy, and my mother helped me in ways I could never repay. The friends we made… well they have daughters who babysit for us today.
See… even though we may not see it… God is always setting up our lives for our greatest good. I have learned to truly see the gifts that are being given to me on a daily basis. I have come to cherish God’s provision for my life. I am thankful, praise Him often and make the time to celebrate through worship.
Now that we are trying to have child number two (and have had no success after 15 months)… it would be easy for me to fall into the same traps as I did before. But this time my eyes are focused solely on the blessings and not on what is lacking. Sure… I’d like to be pregnant this month. But now I take pleasure in the every day. I make the time to see all the ways God is preparing us for that next child to come. From the new Honda Pilot that we were able to purchase at an amazingly reduced rate to how He helps Scott and I work out our marriage issues… I know that’s God! I appreciate Him for his perfect plan and His perfect timing. And I give Him a shout out for the great things He is doing and will do in my life.
So today I hope that you will take a moment, breath in the day and recognize all the blessings God has bestowed upon you and your family. And if you feel like it… I know He would love to hear from you… a word of thanks or a moment of praise.