For all those who have suffered the loss of a child either through miscarriage or still birth… maybe you will identify with what I am about to share. The way I viewed the world changed after my husband and I suffered through our third loss. What I experienced was sort of like when you buy a new car… say a Honda Accord… then everywhere you drive over the next few weeks… you see the exact same make and model. You realize just how many people drive Hondas! For me… it always made my shiny new car seem less special once I saw how many people had the same vehicle.
I still marvel at how we become painfully aware of things. We had three children in heaven now, and all I knew is I wanted a baby more than anything. This was a period of time when all of my friends were raising their kids or were pregnant with their first child. And it seemed like everywhere I went… I was greeted at the door by a big belly, a newborn sitting in a carrier, a mommy who was breastfeeding or the perfect vision of a family of four. It wasn’t long before I began to pout and grumble about what I was seeing. One time I said to my spouse that instead of a smoking section, why can’t the restaurant have a “no babies allowed” section? It’s true… in place of an infant… I had adopted a new fair-weathered friend… the green-eyed monster.
This new friend… well… he was not my pal at all. Somehow I had let him convince me that God was to blame for my losses. Even worse… I believed that I was being punished every time I saw another pregnant lady. I bought into the idea that God created us to bear fruit, and I grew furious that I couldn’t! Because I felt like I had a right to have a child, my bitterness grew like a wild fire. It scorched a lot of earth over the next several months. It was not long before I started to resent my friends who were having their second and third children. I had one friend who gave birth two weeks after I had surgery to remove a missed miscarriage. My behavior towards her was atrocious. This friend had been there for me since high school, and I could not even visit her in the hospital. The truth was, I resented her sweet baby, and I never wanted to meet her. I dodged her calls and pulled away from a friendship that meant the world to me, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
It wasn’t long before my friends and family felt uncomfortable around me in public. We’d be out shopping at the mall or waiting for a table at a restaurant, and I would remark about the three ladies there that were pregnant and say “see, I’m the token miscarriage girl”. (I’d be sure follow that by explaining how the OB told me that one and four pregnancies ends prematurely.) I was bitter that it seemed like I was the one who always lost their unborn child. And as the days went on… I got worse. I rolled my eyes, grimaced at babies and refused to attend birthday parties for my friends’ children. I was nasty, and I justified it! I would say “I’m fine as long as I don’t wish anyone harm or ill will.” It was true. I didn’t want anyone to suffer as I was. But the green-eyed monster had a tight grip and was choking the life out of me! And I refused to see it.
So one day I am sitting at Gateway Church, and the Senior Pastor was delivering an amazing message. He finished the sermon by saying that what grieved God most was bitterness and iniquity of sin. I sat there in my chair hearing a soft voice that invited me to walk to the front. When it came time for the alter ministry, I headed up the isle. Before I reached anyone… I was stopped in my tracks. As gently as He could, God began to show me moments of my life over the last year or so, every negative comment I made, every eye rolled at a newborn, all the times I was jealous, all the ignored calls from my friends with infants and all the birthdays I had dodged.
I slowly realized that my iniquity of sin was bitterness! I had started an unwanted affair with the green-eyed monster, and I was jealous down to my bones. I knew I wanted my relationship with this monster to end. Right there in the isle of Gateway Church, I dropped to the floor. I was crying, and I pleaded to be free of this bondage. I felt the arms of the Holy Spirit wrap around me as I wept. People were coming up and putting their hands on my back as I prayed for forgiveness. I was completely shattered. I asked God to come and wash away this sin. It was in this moment… the green-eyed monster turned tail and ran away. God lovingly set me free.
I surrendered and handed the reigns of my life and my fertility totally over to God. The amazing thing was… God was there for me! Better than I could have ever imagined… He freed me of all my resentments, my jealousy and bitterness. I felt complete and whole. In the months following… I was happy. I found the strength to throw a baby shower for a friend. We joined a Life Group at our church that included three pregnant women. I didn’t run away, and I didn’t allow the green-eyed monster to ride along with us to the weekly group sessions.
I’ll admit… I am not perfect. There are days I am still vulnerable. But when I experience a weak moment – when I feel a ping of jealousy or a twinge of “that’s not fair”– I pray, and I let God handle those woes. The good news that I can share with you today is simply this… just as God showed up for me, He will be there for you too! Trust Him.