We’ve all heard the tale of the ostrich in danger. Frightened and scared he hides his head in the sand. No running. No fighting. Just scared stiff. The ostrich is known for foolishly believing that if he closes his eyes and plunges his head into the ground that the reality of his impending situation would just simply vanish.
Today, people are often said to bury their heads in the sand when they refuse to confront or deal with a problem, and choose to deny it. Loosing eight children over the last several years has had a profound impact on my life. But like the ostrich… satan knew that I truly desired a child. He understood my personality was to keep plugging away at my end goal. So there came a point in my journey to becoming a mother that satan had a strong hold on me because I refused to let go of control and let God handle my healing and my fertility.
In the face of such tragedy, there was a point that I convinced myself I would get pregnant immediately. I know it sounds insane to admit that. But I truly did expect to just wake up the next month and have a baby in my belly. I was a determined woman on a mission. I was also a woman who was in complete and total denial. Physically, I suffered from a luteal phase defect which means my uterine lining fails to be in the right phase at the right time. So while Scott and I are fertile and can conceive, I do not make a good environment for the egg to implant successfully. I also have low progesterone levels. Mentally, at this point, I was a mess. I was carrying around the burdens of a woman who would not grieve. And the enemy, loving every second of it, exploited my physical issues and played to my vulnerabilities.
As the next five months passed by the enemy slowly did a number on me. This determined woman became obsessed. Each and every month I convinced myself I was pregnant… right up to the point that I wasn’t. And the resulting failures to conceive sent me into a downward spiral. My refusal to grieve and my need to control my destiny led to a depression in the summer of 2008. My burdens had grown too big for me to carry. I was riddled with guilt. The enemy had convinced me that God was punishing me. I was consumed with shame. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t give my husband a child. I remember asking him at times if he wanted to leave me to find a wife who could give him a baby. I started to believe he was trapped in this marriage. I grew more depressed every month. And that gave way to feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. I felt betrayed by my body and quite honestly… I began to feel betrayed by God. I was beyond angry.
There came a day… that I realized that ostriches do not stick there heads in the sand in the face of fear. It is simply a myth. In fact… these large, strong birds will respond to an attacker with a brave fight – a good hard kick that can stop even a lion in his tracks. It occurred to me that I needed to deal with my situation head on. I remember going to a doctor and talking to him about my depression, and he quite simply told me to give up control and grieve. I left thinking… that sounds great but how am I going to do that? Later that day… God intervened and did the fighting for me. I had just finished having my haircut where I was complaining about unfair it was that I couldn’t have kids. I sounded desperate and sad. I sounded alone and wounded. In some way, I believe I was crying out for help. And, as fate would have it, I got it.
I got up from my chair and standing before me was a tall, blonde man saying he needed to speak to me. He explained that the Lord asked him to tell me that I was going to have a child. I stood there frozen, barely able to speak. I didn’t cry right then, but I was overflowing on the inside. Who was this man? Why did God send him to reach out to me? After all, I was livid and blamed Him for what was happening in my life, but the quiet-spoken gentleman continued to speak. He asked if he could pray for me. I managed to utter yes. And before I knew what was happening, this stranger had placed his hands on my left arm. He was praying for me! He was praying for my healing. He was praying for my child to come. Every bit of depression I had been feeling seemed to lift out of me through this man’s hands. When he finished, he simply smiled at me and introduced himself as Robert Morris, the senior pastor of Gateway Church. I thanked him and then silently walked away.
Less than an hour passed before I realized the profound impact that God had on my life. I remember sitting at my dining room table just replaying what happened in my mind. I was no longer in denial, and I was seeing my circumstances clearly for the first time. My blinders were off, and I was ready to let God help me grieve, let go of the past and move forward with hope. Not a day goes by that I do not appreciate Him for the battle He waged on my behalf, and it is my mission today to let you know… He will always do the exact same for you.