Currently, we have eight unborn babies in heaven. You could say that alone is reason enough to have suffered greatly over the last five years. But the losses were just one part of the pain. Each time we experienced another miscarriage, we would receive comments, support and advice from all types of well-intentioned people. I can remember being told that it wasn’t my time to have a child. Others said it was simply not in God’s plan for the babies to come. One friend, who thought she was encouraging me, said “Be grateful! God saved you guys from dealing with a worse medical problem later.” I remember numerous times being told it was God’s will that my unborn children were gone, and if it was God’s will… that we would conceive another baby in the future.
I remember someone counseling to me “God never gives you more than you can handle”. I remember I found that one particularly hard to swallow. I remember thinking did God actually intend for me to have soccer team in heaven because I am strong enough to handle it? Let’s just say I didn’t walk away from that friend feeling comforted at all.
I can tell you that all of these so-called words of encouragement left a sour taste in my mouth and seriously messed me up. I began to wonder why women in prison were bearing children, and I couldn’t. Why were drug babies born and mine were lost? The more I heard these lies from people who had the very best intentions… my anger with God grew more intense. I began to obsess on the word “why”. Why couldn’t I have my child? Why did I have to be the one to suffer? Why? Why? Why? And the more I spent my energy trying to make sense of it all… the more it did not make sense. And the more it didn’t make sense… the more lost I felt. And the madder I got at God. After all… I thought the bible said we were made to bear fruit, and I desired my fruit to be ripe and ready to pluck of the vine! I wanted to taste the sweetness of being a mother and hold my precious baby.
There came a day that I stopped seeking encouragement from my friends. After awhile I felt so alone that I started seeking understanding from a higher source. And through a period of several months… God gently showed me the wonderful truth. He was not responsible in any way for my childrens’ untimely passing. All of these “encouraging words” were merely tools the enemy used to keep the stronghold he had on my life. Using my friends… Satan did his best to make sure I suffered in a terrible way. He worked tirelessly at keeping the “so-called encouragement” coming so that I would stay angry at God. But God is truly amazing, and the tools He uses to help you heal, to restore your soul, to keep hope alive are more powerful than anything Satan has in his arsenal.
The truth that God revealed to me is that He doesn’t take babies! He wasn’t responsible for their untimely exit. Through John 10:10, I got confirmation that God is not at fault for miscarriages. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” It is a fact that we live in a fallen world. It is a fact that good things happens to bad people. It is a fact that life is not fair. But it is not God who kills the spirit, crushes hopes and steals unborn children. That is all courtesy of the enemy.
Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you.” Pastor Jack Hayford in his book I’ll Hold You In Heaven discusses this verse in great detail. He explains that God places an unmeasurable amount of value on our lives before we are ever conceived. God has all ready planned out our lives and mapped out the amazing destinies that are waiting for us. I was comforted by this… proof again that God did not have anything to do with my losses. In fact… it became clear to me the devastation He must feel.
I realized that with every loss He grieves along side me because my loss is also His loss. I take comfort knowing that I have a Father who completely understands what I am going through. Today I know that there is no guarantee that I will not miscarry again, but there is a promise from a Savior… a Healer… a loving God… who will carry me through the grief. And even more important, He will give me the strength to try again. And for that alone – I am eternally thankful.