I am often surprised at the responses from people when I tell them that I started a blog detailing my personal experiences with infertility and recurrent miscarriage. Some have looked at me like I had three heads. Others retorted with comments like “well… isn’t that a little personal?” And the vast majority used the word embarrassing somewhere in our conversation. I’ve pondered these comments for the last day or two and feel led to say that I am a bit twisted up about it. From my point of view… I am doing my best to help others who have suffered as I have, and people, unknowingly and unintentionally, are trying to bring shame into my life. It’s funny how the enemy uses unsuspecting victims.
I’ve thought a bit about shame today. My daughter has recently decided that crayons are a girl’s best friend. She runs around the house with at least three colors in her hands all day every day. And if you don’t watch her like a hawk… she will color on everything! The walls. The plasma TV in the living room. The windows. You name it… she thinks it’s a coloring book. Yesterday she drew all over the stairs. Green, blue, red, yellow… my nice white stairs looked like a rainbow. And when I caught her… she looked up at me with pride. My initial reaction was to grab the crayons and discipline her. But I stopped myself from blurting out six little words I recall hearing when I was a small child. When any of us kids did anything wrong, my parents shook their fingers in our faces and sternly said “you should be ashamed of yourselves.” I still feel bad just thinking about it… how those words stung. Needless to say, I didn’t say that to my daughter.
But it amazes me that as a society, we raise our children from a very young age to feel shame. It’s baffles me that parents don’t understand that shame is evil. It’s very definition in the dictionary means one that brings dishonor, disgrace or condemnation. I know for certain that my daughter never meant to do any of those things to me when she colored on my stairs. Just as I never meant to dishonor my husband by miscarrying so many times. I never thought I was disgracing my family all the years I was wrestling with infertility. And by no means should I feel any condemnation for talking about it and sharing my experiences with you.
Shame is an extremely painful emotion. And for those of us who have been unfortunate enough to have to endure the pain of miscarriage, the enemy also lays on a thick layer of guilt covered with a sprinkling of embarrassment. This often leaves women feeling unworthy and disgraced. It’s a crime that generations of ladies have refused to speak up. Someone wrote on a bulletin board on http://www.miscarriagesupport.org that “it is ok to wear a tee-shirt empathizing with the tragic loss of life to breast-cancer, suicide or (now) domestic violence… We advertise it on TV. But we do not speak of the loss of our babies.”
Reading this anonymous lady’s comment broke my heart. The reason miscarriage is shrouded in so much secrecy is because the enemy wants it that way! He doesn’t want it on television! Secrets are dangerous. The reality is keeping quiet keeps us in bondage. It forces us to keep our feelings and thoughts bottled up inside ourselves until they are taking over and bubbling out in all sorts of sinful ways. Guilt. Jealousy. Resentment. Bitterness. For some vengeance. These are the secret sins that the enemy is hoping you will adopt into your life when you cater to shame.
I am here to shout off the rooftops that I have suffered through eight unborn losses. There’s freedom in speaking the truth. I have discovered the more I speak up… the less shame I carry! And the less shame I burden myself with… the more room I have in my heart to be happy and joyous! I truly believe that is exactly how God intends life to be for us. When God created man… the world was perfect and free of sin. Adam and Eve knew nothing of regret and disgrace. It wasn’t until they sinned that they covered their bodies and hid. Can you just imagine the enormous shame they must have felt knowing they disobeyed Him and destroyed His perfect world?
We can’t change the fact that we live in a fallen world. We are subjected to the enemy’s tricks and traps everyday we live and breath. So we must stand up against sin where we can! Don’t be ashamed to express your truth. Speak it out loud. Share it with your friends and with God. I promise you will feel the shameful weight being lifted off your shoulders. You will find comfort in the words of friends and in the whisper of the One who loves you most. From the bible Isaiah 54:4 (NKJ) says “Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame…”
Tonight… I want to end saying to every woman who has suffered through infertility or miscarriage that you were not at fault for any of it. And you should not carry a bit of shame. If you are burdened with this sin… it is my prayer right now that in Jesus’ authority… you are immediately set free of the enemy’s bondage. That you wake up tomorrow lighter and with renewed confidence to look yourself in the mirror and see a peaceful, hopeful smile!