I love my OB. He is a very nice man and has really gone through a lot with Scott and I. I can’t imagine that it could be easy for a doctor to watch his patient loose so many unborn children. He has a very sweet nature and is as comforting to us as he can be each time he has had to deliver bad news. Also to his credit is that he was with us every step of the way during my very high risk pregnancy. He was amazing. And it was an honor to have him delivery our “miracle” daughter. Even now that I am having lots of issues while we are trying to conceive our second child… he’s patient with me. He answers all my questions and will spend as much time with me as I need to leave my appointment happy and hopeful. Yep… he’s a great doctor.
But like all doctors, he is in some ways very clinical. And there have numerous times that I have found myself in an uncomfortable situation. One example would be the first time I looked down at my paperwork and saw that “habitual aborter” had checked in big red ink. I understand that I have had multiple miscarriages, but do I really need to be branded that for life? Talk about a slap in the face. I am grieving and having to process so much loss, and the last thing I need to see when I visit my doctor are those shocking words. Somehow I felt ostracized and was waiting for a nurse to walk up to me and sick a huge “A” on my chest like they did poor Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter. Now… granted our situations are very different… seeing as how she was victimized for conceiving a daughter outside of wedlock. For me… the “A” would stand for “aborter” instead of “adulterer” even through I have never had an abortion.
Another time that really ruffled my feathers was the last time I miscarried. I was sitting in the room after having an ultrasound. It was too early for there to be a heartbeat. I was all ready bleeding and showing signs of a miscarriage. My doctor nonchalantly says to the nurse “Go head and take some blood for a pregnancy test, but my guess is that this is nothing but a chemical pregnancy.” Seriously? I think the creation of any life… warrants more than being called “chemical”. I am a human being… not a beaker! I was highly insulted. Turns out… I was pregnant! It was two more weeks of blood work before I lost the baby.
We’ve all heard the terms for our unborn babies. Tissue. Clots. Embryo. Fetus. I have heard lots of insensitive things at the doctor’s office. I recall starting to bleed during my sixth week with Averey. I called the OB and his nurse explains to me dryly that I was experiencing a “threatened miscarriage.” Wow! What did I do to make my body so mad that it would threaten me? She followed with “stay calm and try to relax… everything is probably okay.” I was now a wreck and stressing out. Peace and calm was now next to impossible after hearing those not-so-comforting words.
Doctors are experts. But they are not our friends. While it is their job to care for us… it is not always in their job description to care about us, to sympathize with us, to know how we are feeling. They can’t possibly protect us from everything that might hurt our feelings… especially when we have experienced loss, are wrestling with letting go of our dreams, are grieving and are so fragile.
But there is one medical expert, and He is also a master of love. He’s patient, kind and has all of the answers I need regarding a medical opinion and gently provides me a way to comprehend and accept my unborn losses. He is Jehovah-Rapha… an amazing healer! And he doesn’t need fancy machinery, surgery or test tubes to fix my body and bring my a child! There are several references in the bible how he opened and closed women’s wombs. He is my authority and is my first and second opinion when it comes to my final diagnosis! When I hear my OB say something like “tests conclude you are sterile” or “now that you have not conceived in six months you’re infertile,” I know immediately that I need to turn to God.
Exodus 23:25-26 says “… I will take sickness away from the midst of you. No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.” I trust God. He is my baby-making specialist! I know He will heal whatever is wrong with me and bring Scott and I another child. I look to Him to cure my ailments and celebrate knowing it is all ready done. I say prayers of thanks… knowing He has my medical interests in mind. The best part is the Good Lord also carries me in His heart. He understands how I feel when I am sad and disappointed. He comforts me through the disappointments every month that we are not pregnant. And He grieves with me when I suffer a loss. But most importantly… He is the author of my life, and He all ready knows the great blessings that are in store for me.