Everyone experiences moments in life that are horrific. All senseless acts of violence and death – car wrecks, natural disasters, plane crashes, and even miscarriages – my heart breaks each time I hear of such pain. I do not know a single person who has not experienced the loss of someone that they loved and deeply cared about. Grief is a healthy means by which we come to grips with the loss and process the harsh fact that we will not see our loved ones again on this earth. It’s painful. It is often plagued with all sorts of ups and downs, and if we don’t seek God’s counsel and solace right from the start, we are vulnerable to becoming contestants on the blame game… hosted by none other than the enemy himself.
It was the summer of 2008. I was grief stricken after losing twins. I wasn’t thinking straight, nor was I seeking God to do the thinking for me! I was obsessed with why this kept happening to me, and I was looking for someone to be at fault. And the more I kept being told there was no solid explanation for the miscarriages, I the madder I got. In fact, I was beyond livid! To make matters worse, someone that I am related to and love more than my own life began to abandon me during this same time period. That disappointment coupled with the pain of dashed hopes and dreams left me emotionally wounded and physically tired. I a was train wreck. I think back to that summer and don’t understand why my husband had not sent me in a straight jacket to the nearest exit! I was truly on a downward spiral, and all I could see was the losses I had endured. Each one felt like a beating. I was battered and bruised. And that is when I found myself being the lucky participant… the lost soul who began to think God was at fault for my sorry lot in life!
With the help of the enemy, I had backed myself into a corner. I was trapped because the ONE who could help me get myself straightened out was the very one I was blaming. Many times I prayed that God would save my babies. I would lay in bed for hours and hours asking Him to protect the precious cargo in my womb. And as one loss folded into another one, I grew to believe He abandoned me just as my family member had. I was so focused on my pain and finding a reason for it… I lost sight of Him. I couldn’t hear Him. I was convinced He had to be somewhere else. I just knew He could have prevented those untimely deaths. And at times, I thought that He must take joy in watching me suffer.
All of these thoughts that were carefully planted in my mind – those were all lies! The truth is the only one to blame for any painful loss in our lives is the enemy himself! I’ll give him his due that he’s crafty, sly and subtle. He starts off hinting that God could have intervened on our behalf! Then he continues to deal you hand after hand… hardening your heart… until you blame God. Beware! It will not be long before your realize you are in the enemy’s hot seat!
I like games. I like to win big! But on the blame game… the only winner is the enemy. See I was a loser! As a really big loser, I had lost my faith, my joy, my hope, my laughter and my strength. And it was when I was my most lost… that I was found. I didn’t want to play the blame game anymore! I asked God to forgive my misguided anger and blame. I confessed and asked if He would take over and reign in my life as He had done in the past. I sought comfort in devotionals, took time to write in my journal and spent every moments praising Him through song. The more I courageously recognized and repented for my secret sin of blaming God… the more I began to feel like a real winner!
When you decide to stop blaming God and start trusting Him… the grand prize is that you will receive riches beyond your expectations. Today I am playing a new game… it’s called “walk this way”. I look to the Lord to author my life. I rely on knowing He is faithful, consistent and unfailing. I confess my weaknesses and ask Him to love me through them. I seek his protection with the understanding that I might still experience hard times. I now hear Him often, and see Him in my dreams from time to time! The bottom line is… I trust God. Blessed are those who put their trust in Him. Palm 2:12.