My husband would say that I am not a very patient person. I can easily get boiled when I endure the never-ending automated phone recordings. Press 1 for this. Press 2 for that. In two words describe the nature of your call. And it takes at least 10 times of shouting “customer service” before you finally get a live representative on the line. I know I have blown up on several of these poor souls because they were the unlucky one who answered my call after I have waged war with the automated attendant.
I also get can steamed up in traffic jams. I don’t like to wait… not on the highway, not in the line to ride the roller coaster at Six Flags and not in any lane at the grocery store. But I always seems to be the one who gets behind the old lady who has to write a check! Or I am stuck waiting on the clerk to find out the true price of the item that had not been properly tagged. Yep. I don’t like to wait.
So imagine my dismay when I had to wait three long years to have a child. You can just imagine the anger and frustration I felt each and every month we did not conceive. Each 28 days when my prayers were not answered… I blew up. I was a like an emotional hurricane… reeking havoc on my life, slowly wrecking my marriage and creating a Grand Canyon between me and God. There was not doubt about it… I had run out of patience entirely, and I flooding my life with all kinds of sin. Bitterness. Resentment. Anger Depression. Hopelessness.
What I have come to know over the last couple years is that God has been tirelessly working in my life. He watched me be impatient most of my 40 years on Earth. All those times I yelled at my husband for rambling and not getting to the point… God was watching! And He needed to teach me that patience is a virtue. The funny thing is that God knows that patience is only developed during times of struggle. He knows that it is in those desperate times we can either choose to stay calm or complain and combust. See I was very flammable, and God knew I needed help to extinguish my fire.
Struggling with infertility is very challenging. It garners all kinds of negative emotions as each disappointment folds into the next. When our prayers seem to go unanswered… it’s very tough to take. I had to learn that God had a plan for me that did include children, but I had to accept that it was going to happen on His time line – not mine. I learned that each of us who has turned our lives over to God was given an amazing gift. In Galatians, patience is listed as one of the “fruits of the Spirit”. See when I let Him, the Holy Spirit filled me with patience, so I could learn to welcome what God is doing to make me a better person and to willingly face the challenges and adversity that filtered in and out of my life.
With God’s help I had to accept that it is not easy for me to get pregnant. Even worse, I had to get comfortable with the fact that I will most likely miscarry a number of unborn babies along the way. I had to develop the patience needed to keep on trying to conceive. See touch times didn’t break me… they made me into who I am today. We are now nearing two years since we started trying for baby number two. But the way I handle the monthly let-downs and unborn loses is entirely different than before. Now I can appreciate the months that God is saying “not yet”. I can look forward to the day I see that pink line on a pregnancy test with excitement and anticipation. I’ve realized that practicing patience yields a wonderful side affect – hope. I can move forward on my journey to having a second child with peace and optimism that only came after I let God make bold moves in my life.
It is my prayer tonight to all you out there struggling to fulfill your dreams either professionally or personally to take a look at your life. Are you impatient? Are you waiting for something to happen and are frustrated it hasn’t yet? If so, I pray that you release it to God. Trust that He is listening to your desires and is working on your behalf. Ask Him if your trials are lessons to teach you and make you stronger. I know it is His intention that you taste the sweet fruit that is patience. When you do… the benefit will be far greater than what you originally asked for.