Loss is an inevitable part of life. All of us will experience the loss of a loved one, the end of a job we enjoyed, the end of a relationship we thought would always last. The majority of my loss has centered around the eight unborn children that are up in Heaven waiting for me to join them. I have experienced a level of grief that at one point seemed higher than the largest mountain on earth. I thought the pain I was feeling was insurmountable. Many days, I feared I would drown in my sorrow. Not only had I lost another baby, but I was also robbed of my hopes and dreams.
Summer 2008… I hit rock bottom. After refusing to take a break from trying to conceive, it wasn’t long before I found myself traveling from solid ground to one that was very shaky. I did not take the time to mourn and regroup, and I blindly ignored all the signs that were pointing to a meltdown. By the time the heat of July was taking its toll, I stopped seeing the sunshine. A thick layer of fog descended upon me, and I could not see anything but my suffering.
I was overwhelmed with extreme sadness. I couldn’t sleep, and I had difficulty finding the drive to get out of bed. I couldn’t focus on simple tasks let alone my day job. I was no longer in the driver’s seat of my life. My emotions were out of control. My judgement was impaired. I was mean and hurtful to people who loved me. I pushed away friends and ruined relationships. I felt like I had no one that truly could understand fully what I was going though and began to think I was stranded on an island. The more I tried to suck it up and deal… the more I unraveled. As I tried to adopt a “go-with-the-flow” attitude, the more I realized just how cruel and unfair life truly is. It wasn’t long before I was knee deep in quicksand. I was consumed with rage, jealously, resentment and bitterness.
I learned the hard way that grieving is a process that God created for us to heal. There are several Bible stories showing us that God comforts His people in times of sorrow. The writings about Job and David teach us that mourning our losses and passing through the stages of grief are a natural part of our design. In fact, the Bible says “God blesses those who morn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
By the time cooler weather was upon me in the Fall, I realized that I needed God to scoop me up into His loving arms. It would be with His help that I would move through the stages of grief with health and hope. I came to believe He would heal my wounded heart. I learned first hand that denying or repressing our pain can and will lead to huge battles with sin, emotional instability and depression.
It is important for us to grieve, but it is critical that we also mourn with submission to God. We should pray and seek Him to help us cry out our emotions. We must look to the Holy Spirit to be our comforter and to allow Him to dry our eyes and banish our tears. The Bible says “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Our loving God created us with the ability to mourn along side Him. He encourages us to let go without forgetting, to deal with our hand without quitting and to continue to love those who were never born or have passed on. It is in these trying and challenging days that we will grow stronger in our faith.
Finding God during my worst moment in life changed my life. July 2008 was the month a lost soul was found and a new woman was born. With His guidance I returned to solid ground. God gave me the ability to understand the importance of grieving which eventually brought me the courage to go on trying to have a family. It wasn’t long before dreams and desires again filled my healed heart.
Are you running away from truly grieving the way God intended? Are you finding yourself sinking in the sand instead of being firmly planted on rock? I pray you do not harden your heart. I pray you lean on God and know that the calmness, peace and stillness He provides will light the way for you to heal and move on.
In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul details in a letter his praise to God. “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.” It is my passion to reach out to those who are suffering. Please know you are not alone. It is sincere prayer that my story is an inspiration for you to seek God while grieving. Let Him fill you with the encouragement to go on living, the strength to battle the enemy when you are vulnerable and the hope to deal with your struggle and to look towards what is possible tomorrow.