In Psalm 6 we learn that David was in a bad way. He was obviously in a battle with the enemy over some kind of sin. He believed God was angry with him. He couldn’t feel the presence of God. He was so riddled with worry that he could not sleep a wink. David is brought to such a lowly place that it seems that the enemy believed he had been victorious over David. David appears to be defeated, depressed and discouraged.
“I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.” Psalm 6:6
There are many times in my life that I have identified with David especially in my most desperate moments. Pouring out his heart with tears, David was completely honest with God. David was able to display his vulnerability and bravery because He knew that God wants the very best for us. David knew he didn’t have to be a victim of his circumstances. He trusted his Maker and looked to his powerful God to show mercy and tenderness to him.
While I don’t know the cause of David’s pain… there is a sense that he was powerless against what it was. “Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak.” Psalm 6:2 I have spent many nights feeling the same despair. I have cried myself to sleep after being met with let down after let down. I have shamed myself and felt horrible all the times I was weak and embraced the sins associated with my pain. Being on the front lines of infertility is terrible, and similar to David, I had to take a long hard look at myself and get honest with God about the anger and despair I was feeling.
Every month… it feels like I wage a war against my medical issues and physical circumstances. Launching my assault starts the very moment I start bleeding as I have three short days to mentally grieve another month gone, to get my mind straight and my heart focused on future blessings. This is especially hard for me when my cycles are late, and I have begun to build up my expectations of pregnancy! I can get over eager and have been known to set myself up for one huge fall.
During my monthly battle, I have to polish and put on my armor to protect me from sin. I can easily fall into the traps of jealousy, bitterness and blame. It is easy for me to be consumed with guilt knowing the reasons we can’t easily have kids are all mine. The Bible tells me that I am uniquely and wonderfully made, and I have come to accept this now that I am in the fifth year of my war. But the thought that I am majorly flawed and messed up down to my DNA left me confused. Every time I got bad news about another medical issue, I grew more scared. I had no choice to turn to God to protect me in these moments with His armor that He has made special to fit me! I battle by focusing on the great news that HE is my healer, and with Him all things are possible… even the gift of conception!
Once I have processed the fact that I did not conceive, I then rally and call the troops…. meaning that I muster enough courage to hope and pray that just once everything regarding hormones, chemistry, physical preparation of my womb will all take place exactly as it should for me to conceive. I think to myself… it just takes one sperm, meeting one egg, traveling one short distance into a perfectly prepared uterus. It’s not too much to ask, right? That’s a piece of cake for my God! And I can rejoice and be thankful in knowing that is truth!
Like the decorated officers do in battle… I have to often plan strategies and weigh my options. I’ve had to prepare for the worst and accept that if I get pregnant, there’s a huge chance I might miscarry. I had to get comfortable with the term “high risk” and learn to adopt the perspective that when the time is right… being high risk won’t mean a hill of beans! And like a good soldier… I had to obey my God and wait for direction in regards to taking fertility drugs. I work on ways to plow through all my insecurities to get through another ovulation cycle with little to no stress. And let me tell you… 28 days blows by really quickly!
Several years ago when we didn’t succeed in making a baby, I felt defeated. I would be shattered, feel tired and useless. I could easily get depressed for my failure. Oh how many nights I have cried myself to sleep just like David. And there were months that I couldn’t get it together and went into the next ovulation cycle a scared, fearful mess! I was not equipped for battle and often times… my stress led to more defeat!
But this go around… I am different. Being a daughter of Christ… means that I have an entire army at my disposal! I have intercessors who will pray with me! I have friends standing in agreement that our child is coming. I now know 100% that God is my General, and He is leading me to victory! “The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.” Psalm 6:9 Like David… I lean on God to turn my attentions away from my woes, my pain and my disappointment, and I focus all of my energy on His love and mercy. Oh how sweet it is to know that I can share with God my desire for a child and then let Him wage the war for me! Now instead of dreading every moment of trying to conceive… I can enjoy it. I can relax and know that my Provider will come through for me. I can trust that when the time is right… I will win the war because He will make me fertile, I will carry the baby under His protection and I will give all glory to Him on the day that my next miracle baby is born.