Sad news. We did not conceive again! Scott and I are struggling with our emotions today. We were so hopeful since every step of the way this month seemed to exceed doctor expectations. But here we are once again disappointed and grieving. Tomorrow we embark on a new journey. We are seeing a fertility specialist to find out what our options are moving forward. Then we will need to pray together, and let God lead us down the right path.
I must admit that I’ve been thinking a whole lot today about prayer. We’ve been praying for two years for our second child. I know I have more than willed this precious angel to make his or her appearance! But we’ve also been praying for patience and the courage to trust that the Lord has the perfect timing. Through this time, I’ve also been praying for the wisdom to recognize my sin so that I may release my woes to the Lord. I’ve prayed that the Lord shield me from allowing bitterness and jealousy to develop a stronghold in my heart. Oh how I’ve prayed for freedom from my medical issues. I’ve talked, begged, cried, captured prayers on paper… I’ve been faithful in my prayers. And while I have no ultimate answer to my prayers as I am not yet holding that precious bundle… I’ve been amazed at just how many of my prayers have been answered in the last two years.
So today starts the cycle all over again. And I have spent today praying for the strength to go on. I am taxed. And today I don’t have the energy to go on. Every month… the disappointments get harder and harder for me to shake off. So I am praying today for courage to face tomorrow with an open heart and open mind. Because I don’t want to face the fears of not ever giving birth again. The stakes go higher tomorrow. The path we go down tomorrow morning is an expensive one to travel, and the harder pill to swallow is that there are no guarantees that the outcome will be favorable. Vulnerable today… the enemy keeps whispering in my ear “I am not even a candidate for the specialist. He is going to tell me there is no options for me or that they are too expensive.” Then I have to focus my energy on the truth. The truth that there is not a mountain high enough that God cannot scale. There is no amount of money that is too great for God! And it will not matter if my odds are 0% because if God is ready for me to conceive… than nothing will stand in that way! Knowing this… trusting this… is how I find the courage to go on! It is how I garner the strength to face my future with hope instead of dread.
Prayer is a powerful tool! As we submit to the Lord in prayer and rely on Him to sooth any suffering, relieve any pain and comfort our wounded hearts, it’s amazing how quickly we begin to heal. God has the ability to instantly set us on the path to healing… emotionally and physically.
Psalm 50:15 “Call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.” Three years ago I called on Him. I prayed for three years and through eight unborn losses and finally I got rescued. And there has not been a moment since that He has not been the recipient of every bit of glory. All praise. All worship. All knowing that my daughter was a miracle… a priceless gift to me from God. I will never take this for granted!
All I can say is that tonight I pray. I pray to experience this again. I reach out to my provider, my healer… the Great I Am… and I cry out all my pain to Him. I pray for Him to wipe my tears and allow me to see tomorrow as a fresh start! Tonight I pray for the sheer iron will to continue honoring His plan. Right now I have a choice to make… to fall victim to the enemy or to stand in faith. I say the choice is made! I stand faithful and trusting my God.
Tonight I am following the advice given in Job 5:8. I will appeal to God; I will lay my cause before him. And then I will obey by waking up tomorrow and believing that next month means a new opportunity. It’s another chance for me to conceive. It’s another month I get to love my family. It’s another month I get to count my blessings. And for that… I must be grateful.