A very large amount of my time is spent on my journey to having children. This is a very time consuming condition to have to contend with. I’ve got to know exactly what day it is so I know whether it is a day to take a pill, receive an injection, get busy, have a sonogram, or prepare for the next month where it all happens again! There are charts to keep up with, calendars to consult, appointments to keep all dealing with this tiny portion of my life. Today it hit me that my infertility sometimes feels like it dominates my life. Honestly… it feels like a part time job some days!
Another large amount of my time is spent on praying for a child. I spend lots of days having to manage expectations, preparing for bad news, mustering up hope to try again, dealing with any jealousy that crops up, assuming the role of cheerleader when my husband needs encouragement and checking any emotional baggage that comes up through the month. So my infertility takes up not only a large amount of my time but also my emotional energy.
Infertility is not fun. It’s not a hobby, and it is not a personality trait. I regard all of this as such a horrible burden brought upon me by my enemy, and he is tickled that it is often on my mind every morning and every night. I hate that my days are filled with reminders of what we’ve lost and what we hope to have in the future.
So let’s just say what it is… it is an inconvenience. It is a medical tragedy. It is not fair. And frankly, it sucks! But what is it not? Most importantly I’d say infertility is not of God! And because I know that I am of God… carefully crafted and created by his amazing hands… then I have to also accept that I am much, much more than my infertility! So today I am crying out that I am not defined by infertility. It is something I have to deal with, but it is not what I would say describes me!
So here are 10 things that I would like to spend my days focused on… qualities that if someone said “Tell me about Kim…” that I would take pride in hearing (or get a good chuckle at):
1. I am connoisseur of icing. Yep… it’s a desert favorite, and I’ve been known to wreak havoc on a can of Betty Crocker a time or two and had to head back to Tom Thumb when I actually got around to baking my cake! Dark chocolate, butter cream, cream cheese, strawberry… it doesn’t matter. I won’t discriminate! The more icing there happens to be piled high on a cupcake… the happier I am!
2. I am a good cook. I can follow a recipe and usually tweak them to give them my own personal flair! I have some signature dishes that I’ve fed my family through the years, but I’d like to say that I do not see myself as a chef… I am just someone who can make a great meal! I believe my husband would admit that I am crafty with can goods!
3. I am someone who loves fiercely! I have always been someone who has fallen quick and fallen hard! And once I love… it’s a permanent lock! My heart is large, and I am a big believer in unconditional love. I adore my parents! It was love at first sight with my spouse! I am passionate for my husband (and try to always be respectful). I treasure my amazing daughter Averey, and through her learned love has no bounds! And I can’t get enough of our rescue dogs Cosmo and Bella. Cupid shot me with one gigantic arrow! I love big, and I love bold!
4. I am one crafty chic! A creative guru some might say. I enjoy scrapbooks, designing hair bows, tackling any craft project. I will take one look at something and think… I can do that! Hobby Lobby and JoAnn Fabrics are my good friends and we tend to get together quite often!
5. I am secretly harboring a large amount of jealousy of Carrie Bradshaw! I would kill for her closet! I have a passion for fashion and am a sucker for a great pair of shoes, an amazing handbag or a great coat. Hey! I’ve adopting this as my signature quote “the only way we can distinguish ourselves from animals is our ability to accessorize!” I often fantasize about converting a room in our house into one amazing closet! These days… I take great pleasure in being able to shop for my daughter! Shoes, dresses, sunglasses… all adorable and sweet! I’m a sucker! Shops love me! And I am always lured in by a sale. My husband cringes every time I walk in the door and say honey “I saved us lots of money today” as I am carrying in several bags stuffed to the top!
6. I am infamous for my laugh! Have you ever been in a quiet movie theater and heard a strange laugh belt out at something that was only marginally funny? Then you may just have been in a movie with me! Hearing the wave of laughter that happens as people are laughing at me just stirs my soul! This is not joke people… when I started dating my husband… my guy friends all warned him never to take me on a date to the AMC! I say to them that laughing is infectious because it makes you feel good! Hey… I know… a laugh a day just might keep the doctor away!
7. I am addict for Starbucks Black Iced Tea! It’s more than a habit… it’s a necessity! I can’t function through a day without it. The tea is delicious, but there is something about that Starbucks signature green straw and plastic cup… it’s makes me gitty! We brew their tea at home, and I still have to drink it out of their plastic cups! I’ve been known to have to make a run to get me a new cup from time to time! You know you can only recycle for so long! I love it! Got to have it! Drinking some now as I write this blog!
8. I am closet poet. I’ve been secretly writing poetry since I was a little girl. I have never really shared them with anyone, and the entire collection of spiral notebooks lives in my nightstand. I have had a dream that I share with my amazing mom to one day publish a collection of our work… a book that would be called “Thoughts After Midnight”. I guess you would say… this is one item that would be included on my bucket list!
9. I am a collector of friends. I value friendships and have managed to carry with through my life a handful of amazing friends. And it always warms my heart and gives me a great sense of joy to say “I’ve know her since the fifth grade!”
10. I am God’s beautiful daughter. I am uniquely made and am a designer original! I love knowing there is no one else on this Earth like me! It fills me with pride. I love discovering the amazing gifts God has blessed me with, and I hope that I use my talents to grow His Kingdom!
Dear friends… I challenge you to focus on your assets! What are your strengths? I’d like you to know that just as I am more than my greatest struggle, you are also more than your biggest problem. What are some of your individual, unique qualities that define you? If you’d care to share… I’d love to know!