Both Scott and I really felt like the Lord had given us a word that the season of conception was upon us. Back in the summer we truly thought God was showing us a green light! We were excited and decided that we were going to give this baby making everything we’ve got. Several months went by with no conception, and it seemed as if the enemy was throwing every wrench our way that would derail this timing. I got sick several time. Averey was also ill. A couple months I didn’t even ovulate. The months also brought an intense amount of pressure and stress that landed smack dab in the middle of my marriage.
Six cycles have no come and gone with no success. I am so frustrated some days that all I can think to say to myself is “Lord, I will still love you if no baby comes.” Just like the couple prayed in the movie “Facing the Giants,” I too am having to cope with the reality that our dreams will not come true even though I truly believe the Lord is desiring us to have that child.
Today I am defeated, and I am facing a hard decision over the next couple of days to keep going and attempt IUI or give up on our dream to have a second baby. I have spent most of today putting a lot of thought into how I could let go of such an important dream. All I can confess tonight is that I don’t have any answers. I’ve had to grieve the loss of eight unborn babies to date so I don’t know how to grieve the loss of hope. I have asked God all day if I misunderstood the word. Did I mess up on the timing? Was my discernment off? And while I have received no clear answers yet, I trust that the Lord has good a solid plan for me and my family.
John 15:16 says “… I have chosen you and I have appointed you (I have planted you), that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting (that it may remain, abide), so that whatever you ask the Father in My name (as presenting all that I AM), He may give it to you.”
Tonight I am going to begin 30 days of meditation and prayer. I am going to make time every day to talk to God about my dream to have a child. I am going to plant this seed one last time and some how find the courage to keep going. With every prayer I will be planting a seed of hope, and I will be waiting eagerly for the time when God will bless me with a harvest.
And I will trust God that if He has chosen to close the door on Scott and I having a child, that I will do my very best to understand that there is a divine reason. I will accept that I am not being punished or denied anything. That my destiny on this earth is to just be a mother of one. Somehow, some way… I will have to be okay with that. Somehow, some way I will have to stand on Isaiah 40:31.
“Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Lord… tonight I confess… I am ready to soar like an eagle. I have been running but have grown weary. Right now I look to you Lord to renew my strength. I look to you Lord for guidance. I trust that you will prepare me for whatever my path is. And when I walk down that path, starting tomorrow, I will not be scared nor will I be faint. Amen.