Doctors strive to do their very best. I think we have a good physician helping us on our path to having a second child. He’s very nice and explains even the littlest details, so we fully understand what is going on. Most of this journey has been paved with optimistic opinions, but Friday I got some news from the doctor that has quite frankly taken the wind right out of my sails. After a month of Clomid and an HCG shot, my progesterone level was only a 2.5. Not only am not pregnant, but the doctor blurted out Friday morning that it looks like I might be eggless! Yep… he said eggless! It is his opinion that my egg reserve might be depleted now that I am the big 40. So if this diagnosis is accurate… a natural baby will not be possible. I sat in my chair, and the first thing that ran through my head was he is about to tell me this is all a joke, and a group of people were going to jump out and yell that I am on Candid Camera. But no such luck.
He continued telling us that with all the drugs I had taken through the month, the expectation was that my level would be in the 20s. So according to him, a level of 2.5 usually means there was no egg production. So the five plus huge cysts I had growing all month he now says were empty! I felt the walls of his office closing in on me and suddenly I could hear the alarm on my fertility clock buzzing loud and clear. Have I run out of time? I’m sitting there thinking that surely there’s got to be some more eggs in me somewhere! All I need is one!
The drive home with Scott was quiet and surreal. I prayed the drive home that this couldn’t possibly be true. But then I was reminded of the months leading up to when I conceived our daughter Averey. My OB had ordered several tests which produced a report that said both my tubes were blocked; therefore in his opinion, I was sterile. I remember being shell shocked at first, but as the news sunk in… it just never felt right. I had been praying for a child for years. I knew God had plans for us to have a child, and I believed it with every fiber of my being. I stood firm in my faith taking a stand against anything the OB said. As he talked to us about adoption or a surrogate, I just new in my heart we could have a baby of our own. And sure enough, it was only two months later that we were back in the OB’s office confirming the pink line we saw on our home pregnancy test.
A couple days have passed now and I can tell you anger has settled in. I don’t appreciate being told this kind of news. I need hope! I need to be encouraged, but news of this magnitude lands you down on the ground. It knocks the wind out of you and skins your knees up with one simple push! Or in this case… three simple words. “You are eggless.”
Exodus 15:26 says “I am the LORD who heals you.” According to this… God can heal my ovaries and make them produce lots and lots of eggs! Tonight, I am choosing to stand on this verse as my solid rock as I am beginning to process the bad news and wait on some test results which are attempting to confirm our specialist’s diagnosis. It’s easy for me to stand on this verse because God taught me three years ago not to put my faith and trust in medical science. Even though the natural circumstances were saying “No!”… God was saying “Yes!” And He delivered us a miracle.
I trust that with God all things are possible. So I believe that bad news to God is nothing. It’s merely a speck of dust to be blown away! I look to the day when Jesus will look down upon me and say “O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire…” just as He did in Matthew 15:28. Right now… faith is my strongest weapon in my battle with infertility. Jesus Christ is the source of all my power, and He is what will get me through this next week. In the moments I am weak… I will remember God is for me. In the moments when I am sad… I will let God comfort me. And to honor Him, I will firmly place my faith and confidence in God who will provide for me!
For now I am trying to navigate my way through a flood of emotions. I am trying my very best to not be defeated by this news. I’d like to think of this as a challenge. Is God is setting up another miracle for Scott and I? I pray it so! I am choosing to believe that when it means that all glory will be to God… He will make it possible for our child to come.