My deepest heart desire is to be a family of four! I admit it… I longed for the house, the husband, the two dogs, and eventually the two kids. And God was so good to me. In April 2006 I married a very sweet man. Not long after we bought a house that I just love. It was in that same time period we adopted two shelter dogs. All that was left by July was to conceive our first child. I nievely thought it would be as simple as the spouse, the home and the pets had been, but my body and the enemy had other plans.
I have learned over the years God’s full intent was for Scott and I to be that family of four. He’s made me pregnant, and we have celebrated His blessing us many times. But for some reason… some how… some way… those blessings never seemed to bear fruit. It took three years of disappointment and struggle to get our first born daughter. And so far, it has been two years and a couple more miscarriages on our faithful journey to have our second baby.
I am saying this because I want you to understand that there are so many days I want to raise the white flag. I think it would be so much easier to just give up. The pressure has just grown to a point that I feel like I could explode like a volcano at any moment. Facing the disappointment month after month was taking it’s toll on me. But more importantly what I realized in December was that so much of my focus was on becoming pregnant that I was not giving my full attention to the blessings God had all ready given me. My husband, my dogs, and most importantly, my precious daughter.
God desires us to wave the white flag sometimes. And when we do… He promises to be there to comfort us. “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 I love this verse! God is guaranteeing that He will take on our burdens. The heartache, the disappointments and the hurts we cannot seem to let go of are all replaced with a lasting peace that only He can provide.
After we underwent eight months of fertility drugs and tests, I made the painful yet peaceful decision to stop. I decided that it was time to rest in God. I’m not giving up on my desire to have another baby, I am merely not giving in to despair. I’ve decided to place my future into the capable hands of God. He knows that I want a baby. And now I have to trust that what is right for me and my family… He will make happen.
I’m exhausted and ready to get on with my life. I am giving Him all of my burdens because I have grown tired. I feel like I’ve been fighting a losing battle for the last year. I trust God, but it has been a real struggle to keep away some sinful burdens. All of the fear, the disappointment, the jealous thoughts that enter my head when I see a family of four are all being given to Him. I am laying them down and asking God to handle them for me now. I don’t have to feed all of those negative thoughts and emotions that the enemy drops into my mind and heart. I can turn them over to God and I can simply rest.
I imagine myself sometimes sitting there crying and He wipes away my tears telling me that everything is ok. I see Him putting His hand over my heart that grieves for all the babies I’ve lost and He tells me that my heart is rich and so full of love that there is no room for shame, guilt, fear and doubt. I imagine Him tucking me in at night, kissing me on the forehead and reassuring me that I will enjoy the future He has planned for me.
So for now I say this… it still my desire to be that family of four. I have not gotten rid of any baby toys, clothes, furniture, etc. But because I am trusting the Lord to fulfull my wants and needs… I can move forward with my life enjoying those blessings I have all ready been given. I can truly rest in the promise of God. I don’t have to worry about what day it is in my cycle or whether my body made enough progesterone to prepare a womb. I can rest assure that if it is God’s timing for me to have that next baby… then the timing will be right, my hormones will be perfect and there will be nothing that will stand in the way of that baby coming into this world.