Secondary infertility was something I hoped to never know. I struggled for three years to have my first child. After my first few miscarriages, I remember the doctor telling me that now that I had been pregnant… it would be easier to conceive. He explained that typically, once a body is pregnant, the problems the woman had conceiving would simply just disappear the second time around. For me… this was just not the case.
We started trying for baby number two five months after our daughter Averey was born. Nearly six months later, we conceived yet miscarried very early. Not even three months later, we conceived again only to lose the baby at eight weeks. So in my mind… I thought I would most definitely be pregnant by my 40th birthday which was last July. And while I knew it was a very real possibility that I could miscarry again, our desire to have a child and our faith that God was giving us the green light kept us going.
As it was though… a major medical emergency cropped up in my life which resulted in a serious neck surgery and two months flat on my back. After that… I was on medication for at least eight more weeks which prevented us from actively trying. Once we had the green light… our OB suggested we try some fertility drugs which would help us become pregnant quicker. After three months with no success, he referred us to a fertility specialist where we kicked it up a notch and for the next six months, Scott and I rode on one emotional roller coaster ride which resulted in nothing but big cracks in our marriage. The pressure to have another child began to press on both of us. And as most everyone we knew was pregnant and/or birthing their third, fourth and fifth children, we were falling deeper into the enemy’s trap. My hormones were up and down like a yo-yo and so was my moods. I was not always the nicest wife to come home to. And Scott was so concerned about what days he needed to perform that we some how forgot along the way that making a child was supposed to be about an expression of love and not an act of sheer torture!
I finally had to take a stand. My marriage had to come first, so I choose to stop all fertility treatments. For the next several months leading into this new year… we worked on sealing up the cracks in our fragile marriage. We needed to make sure we were on solid ground again. Months would go by that we didn’t even hit our window once. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t supposed to have a second child.
For the last couple months… I’ve really dug deep about the desire of my heart. It has been almost a year since I have conceived a child and I’ve spent hours and hours with God about what His intent is for us. I’ve prayed for my marriage as well as for this second child. I have worked very hard at managing my jealousy, remaining optimistic and hopeful. I have fought a hard fight against bitterness and the need to think that life is just cruel and unfair.
Through the last two years I’ve had to watch everyone I know complete their families. I’ve had friends birth their fourth and fifth children. I have had to stand by and realize that I no longer have much in common with friends my age because their children are all much, much older than mine. And the women that are dropping their little ones off at my daughter’s school are all ready 10 to 15 years younger than me. And while I don’t want to sound like I am complaining… I have to say that I feel really lonely. It is just hard to talk to anyone about this.
So today… I am talking to you… the one reading my blog. I am putting this out there because I need to release my pain, and I am certain there will be someone who might identify with what I am going through. I need to set it free so the enemy can not use it against me.
I am nearly 41 years old. While the doctors say I have little to no chance of conception at this point – I choose stand in faith! Faith is believing even when all seems lost! I am reminded today of the power of speaking God’s word constantly over myself and my family. There is power in God’s promises, and I can stand on His word.
Today I needed the courage to battle through my suffering as two friends in two days announce they are pregnant. The courage came when God reminded me of Sarah and Abraham. It’s comforting that I can open my Bible and find a couple Scott and I can relate to and garner strength from. Initially neither one believed God’s promise to them, but God’s blessing was with them despite Sarah’s old age and situation.
Abraham, who was childless, prayed for others who ultimately birthed children. I know all too well what Abraham and Sarah must have been going through – the jealousy and longing that must have been with them seeing others receiving the blessings they themselves longed for.
As the story in Genesis unfolds, you learn how Abraham and Sarah kept serving God. What an amazing example of faith! They believed that God rewarded those that diligently served Him. And Sarah, who was way past her prime age to have children, eventually gave birth to Isaac.
Thank you God for knowing what I would need to read in your Word to help me find the courage to battle through my emotional pain and arrive to a place of peace and hope! It is in you Lord that all things are possible.