I awoke one morning with a painful tightening in my stomach. I laid in bed worried if I was okay. I finally got up to be greeted by bright red blood. I knew what it meant. A + B = miscarriage.
For me there’s always an initial “robot” mode where I suck it up and deal with the phone calls, doctor’s appointments and blood work. It isn’t long though before the reality of the situation sinks in, and the pain in my gut is no longer the cramps but now is extreme emotional pain. This is the kind of hurt you never wish on another living sole. This is the kind of hurt I’ve had to deal with too many times.
These types of tragedies are just not fair. There reaches a point in all of this that while everyone else is living their life, enjoying their day, I am sitting alone in my house. My husband has gone back to work, and my life feels like it has come to a stand still. In the span of one hour I can go from crying to furiously wanting to break a vase to lying in my bed vowing to never get up again.
In the days after a miscarriage has ended, there is nothing left to show for the life Scott and I created. This is when I start down a scary path – one that if I am not careful can lead me straight to a bad place where it’s possible for me to believe in lies and grow increasingly angry at God.
Right now, you might be scratching your head and asking “what” and “why”. Those famous W’s would be exactly what I would be doing sitting in my room confused, curious and demanding answers to questions such as:
• Why this was not the right time?
• Why do I have to be the one chosen to suffer?
• Why am I not worthy?
• What could I have done to prevent this?
• Why can’t I be blessed like so many others?
• Why don’t people seem to understand what I am feeling?
• Why can’t I seem to protect my babies?
• Why did this happen to me again?
• What did I do to deserve this?
• Why didn’t God protect my child?
• What am I supposed to do now?
• Why doesn’t my husband feel as bad as I do?
Oh, the dreaded questions! When tragedy strikes it makes sense that we want to know why. We look around for someone or something to blame. We seek what we believe will make us feel better. If I can just wrap my head around this… I can accept it and move on.
I felt like if I could just understand what happened, then I would be okay. God created us with a brain, so it seems natural that we would use our minds in times of suffering to make sense of it. As logical creatures, it’s natural that we want to know, and in my case, demand to know why this loss occurred and what caused it.
God knew that as curious creatures, we would want answers. James 1:5 (NKJV) tells us that “if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God…” He’s for us and available to listen and comfort us when ever we need it.
What is important for us to keep in mind as we start to process through our pain and begin to ask questions is to always ask in the safety and comfort of God. I’ve learned through my losses that I must not leave Him out when seeking answers or I risk derailing my grieving process.
When I am struggling and need to understand what or why, it’s important that I seek the truth with God. In processing my first several miscarriages, I did not do this. I alienated myself and that left me vulnerable and open to misinterpret answers. This was when the enemy snuck in and planted seeds in me that grew into extreme anger, jealousy, shame and fear.
Today, I look at that list of questions and see the many traps that set up opportunities for the enemy to deceive me. For example, take the first one… why was this not the right time? Whoever said it wasn’t the right time? God allowed us to create life, so it was obviously the RIGHT time. The truth is every time I’ve been pregnant, it was His will for that child to be born. But in the weeks after my losses, drowning in my sadness, I felt sorry for myself. And seeking an answer to that question left me suseptible to believe the lie that it is wasn’t the right time so God took the child away. Crazy right?
Do you see how subtle the enemy can work in our lives to get us trapped in strongholds?
It is critical that we look at the questions we ask in hard times and be brave enough to answer the following:
• Is the answer to my question important to my healing?
• Does the what or the why even matter?
• Will it serve a valuable purpose to know the answer?
If you answer yes to the above questions, then I caution you to move forward carefully. And when you seek the answer to an emotionally painful question, I encourage you to first, look to the Bible. Seek His word to comfort you in your time of grief and suffering.
Second, I seek wisdom through prayer. Psalm 34:4 says “I sought the LORD, and he answered me…” Trust that God, your healer, hears you and will respond.
It’s comforting to me when I have to deal with tough questions to know that my Father, loves me and will be honest. As my counselor, He will answer me when it is warranted and even better, will guide me to ask the right questions when I am inquiring about the wrong ones. I can move forward through my pain and suffering, trusting that God will always bring me to a place of peace… a place where the answers to my questions just don’t matter anymore.