It’s no secret that I have longed to have another child since the day our daughter was born. But earlier this year I started hearing clearly God telling me “let go, Kim, let go.” It was a word that started showing up when I went through some freedom sessions at our church. This has been a six-month journey to discover just what He meant.
Right after I heard let go… I knew immediately I needed to stop charting. I had grown accustomed to living life around what day it was in my cycle. I was focused on when we needed to TTC, when I ovulated, when I would or wouldn’t start. I started to think about my life in terms of 14-day increments.
Letting go of charting was hard because I had become addicted to the roller coaster. I would get so pumped up for the romance to come. I would anticipate the two weeks after I ovulated and think about how awesome it was going to be to see the pink line on a home pregnancy test. But then I would be destroyed when I would wake up one morning and know I wasn’t pregnant.
It was not fun to be around me that day or the next three days after. My emotions ranged from anger to extreme sadness. I would frustrate at stupid things that I should have laughed at. I would push my spouse away or chew him out for trying to console me. It would take me a week to regroup and get myself prepared for the cycle to happen all over again.
Exhausting doesn’t even begin to spell it out. But once I finally obeyed God and truly let go for the first month… I felt so free. I was liberated from a prison I had willingly put myself in.
I seemed to walk out of one prison and walked right into another. We miscarried our ninth baby in June. Doctors deemed it a chemical pregnancy because it seemed to end as soon as it began. I spent the next month grieving and processing all of pain associated with another loss, but what I also learned as the summer began was that I desired to solely focus on the daughter I had.
Letting go of my obsession with “baby #2” allowed me to freely be the mom to Averey I desired to be. We had an amazing summer. Had I not obeyed God I would have missed out on so many memories because I had been so wrapped up in having a baby. Letting go afforded me the chance to:
• Not crumble when I see a mom towing around her two kids
• Not be jealous when I see baby bumps
• Not get sad when thoughts that my daughter will grow up alone pop in my mind. (That’s a lie of the enemy and not even true!)
• Enjoy my time with my daughter free of the nagging thoughts that I am letting her down by not giving her a sibling
• Honor the miracle that she is in a deeper and more meaningful way
By the end of the summer, I began to think about all the baby stuff that we have hanging around the house. The carrier, the swing, the Bumbo seat, pack and play, clothes, shoes and crib. My house has become a shrine to the child I don’t have yet! I felt like I had been a mommy in waiting but now I was trapped in this prison of my home. Everywhere I go… there is a constant reminder of a dream unfulfilled. I still have not reconciled this, and my garage still looks like a re-sale shop. The emotional drama queen side of me wants to get rid of it all, but then the rational side of me says that would be financially frivolous.
Every once in awhile I will stumble onto something that tears me up and I will crumble. One day I was cleaning my closet and found a sack of new maternity clothes we bought before I miscarried baby #7. They were still perfectly folded in the Motherhood Maternity bag with tags attached. I was instantly transported back to the day Scott and Averey took me in there to buy them only days before I started spotting. I do not make a practice of thinking about the past, but once in a while the enemy throws me a curve ball (such as a bunch of maternity clothes), and I’m back to a painful place all over again. It like my house is stuck in a time warp or is a shrine to what I don’t yet have. I’ll admit that some days I feel trapped.
September is upon me now, and it has been months since I’ve charted. I am sitting in church one day, and God point out a mom-to-be. She’s clearly nearing the end and is ready to give birth any day. I look at her, and I sense God correcting me ever so gently says, “I didn’t tell you to let go of your dream.” I sat perplexed. Was the desire in my heart for a child waning?
I realized I had been so focused on obeying God that I had extinguished the passion I once had. I sense God continued saying “I wanted you to let go of control… not your dream.” He wanted me to stop concerning myself with time lines and charts. He was looking for me to fully trust Him to bless us when He wanted too.
So apparently in my quest to obey God’s direction to I had gone too far. I had stopped dreaming. I had ceased to imagine our lives with another miracle in it. My once five-alarm fire was merely a pile of ash, and God clearly did not like that.
I’ve recalled all of this to end with this thought… it is time to press the re-set button. Miracles come out of blind faith and hope… not out of charts and obsessing about what day of the month it is. I can have a desire in my heart yet trust God to fulfill it. So here I am… a daughter of the Most High… putting it out there that I am once again dreaming about the day I will welcome a baby into the world. And when I am tempted to want to chart or start seeking fertility measures again, I will do my very best to keep His words in mind… “Let go, Kim, let go.”