I’ll admit it… I love watching animated movies. I adore the tales of good versus evil. It’s exciting to see the maiden rise up into royalty when she finds her prince. I have identified with almost all of the great animated leading ladies, but lately I’ve had most in common with Disney’s 1951 animated version of Alice in Wonderland.
For most of last week I was like the White Rabbit, who is remembered mainly for the little ditty he sang at the beginning of the movie. Frantically, the rabbit said, “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date.” I’m guessing there are several of you trying to conceive that can relate to my song, “I’m late. I’m late. I passed a very important date.”
As the days went by anticipation began to mount. I mustered myself into a state of expectancy waiting to see a pink line on a pregnancy test. One quick visit to baby center and I calculated the due date. I was all ready planning how I would surprise my husband. Finally after three long years of trying to have a second child, we were getting our prayers answered.
In this same time frame, it seemed like several friends were announcing they were again expecting… for one it would be their sixth child. It was a flood of good news, and I was elated because I was going to finally be able to be a part of that exclusive club. You know what I am talking about… that group of women who for the next nine or so months only speaks about baby things… conversations about growing pains, doctor’s visits, and whether to breastfeed or not. I let my guard down and began to day dream that finally it would be my time to feel complete and normal instead of hollow and alone in my infertility haze.
Sadly my day dream would suddenly turn into a nightmare with the first drop of blood. I began to realize that I am now like the Mad Hatter – who is having tea with his friends the March Hare and the Dormouse. Their constant tea party never ends because to them it is always 6 pm. I can identify with how they feel trapped… waiting for something to change. For them it is the time, for me it is to stop the 28-day cycle by finally being pregnant! Every month the reset button is pushed. I am back at day one and with that comes a rush of madness waiting on a dream to come to pass.
The day before I was supposed to go to the doctor for a blood test, I start bleeding. And with that shedding comes a tidal wave of emotions. I’m up one second and way down the next. It feels like madness to me. I don’t need a hat full of mercury to feel crazy. I feel as down as the Mad Hatter put it, “I can’t go no lower, I’m on the floor as it is.”
Was I pregnant? Or was I merely just late? Honestly, I don’t even care to know because I am swimming in a whole other area of deep pain. The torture of having to try again. The pain of waiting. The agony of defeat knowing that the answer to either question above is a complete tragedy for me.
By night’s end, I am sitting on my toilet riddled in tears when I begin to sense a prompting from the Holy Spirit: A reminder that faith in God includes having faith in His timing. A verse brought to my mind is Habakkuk 2:3: “For the vision points ahead to a time I have appointed; it testifies regarding the end, and it will not lie. Even if there is a delay, wait for it. It is coming and will come without delay.”
What I do know is that I have longing to have a second child. I believe it was a desire the Lord dropped into my heart since I spent the better part of 2012 trying to “let go” and couldn’t. So here I charge again into the next month, working to quickly heal any emotional scars to be ready to try again with a whole effort and not a half heart.
I summon my strength from God’s promises by putting myself in Sarah’s shoes, who waited a long time in agony to have a child. Genesis 18:14 says “Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.” Sarah had her child, just as spoken.
So I will fight for my child by standing in faith just as I am instructed in Psalm 37:3-4 “Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”