We desire to build upon our family. We started trying to conceive when my daughter was 5 months old. We knew it was in the hands of the Lord to bless us and within a few months, we found out we were pregnant. We miscarried, and four months after that, we lost another child. I thought surely God’s intention was to bring Averey a sibling, so I was surprised when several months went by and nothing.
I guess I’ve been wandering around in the wilderness because my daughter is now three years old, and I am still in a season of waiting. I have to be honest that this two years has not been easy at all for me or my spouse. I’ve had to press in hard to hear God’s promise. I’ve had to combat lots of attempts of the enemy to make me jealous and bitter. I’ve had to forgive my body for not working properly. I’ve had to honor my husband through the times he forgot what day it was in our cycle and seemed to not care whether or not we hit our ovulation window. But the biggest revelation I’ve had is how hard I’ve had to fight to keep HOPE alive.
The Bible says in Proverbs 23:18 NIV that there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
That’s great news! But the Bible also said that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. I’ve learned that there is no greater way to break a woman’s spirit then to rob her of HOPE!
I’ve seen several times during my drought that I’ve had to seek out hope. I’ve watched as many of my friends got pregnant, prayed with me that I would conceive so we would be pregnant together and deliver their sons and daughters while I watch in silent sorrow. The very second I entertained the thought of feeling sorry for myself, the enemy gripped me. And even though I’ve had prophetic words and visions of another baby, I still would start to think thoughts like I guess I have to be okay with only having one child. I convinced myself it was just be easier to let go of my desire, and I began to let the enemy kill a part of my heart and convince me that God’s will was not for me to conceive again.
I’ve recently realized that dreams are not things you pick up one day like an item on your grocery list. There are not to be lightly held like a feather. No, the desires of our heart are to be treasured and tended too like prized roses in a beautful garden.
God planted the seeds of those desires. And I’ve realized my job to sow them. I am called to prune off all the dead weight which would be all negative thoughts in my head. That means I have to fight against my tendency to be jealous when I see a baby bump. I have to keep my mind and heart focused on the blessing of birth and not focused on the thoughts that I’ve somehow been deprived and am unworthy of a child.
To keep HOPE alive, I’ve had to learn how to shield myself from all the lies that are thrust upon me. I’ve heard over and over how I’m just too old to have a child. I’ve heard I should merely count my blessings and stop trying to jinx myself! (As if I am just not capable of having another healthy child at 42.)
So many times I’ve had statistics thrown at me that try to rob me of hope. Medicine says I have a less than 10% chance to conceive. But I’ve chosen to trust that God doesn’t read statistics, so I’ve trained myself to not claim these words spoken over me! Instead I glean hope from the Bible which shares stories of several women of advance age who had babies. If God can make Sarah pregnant around age 90, then I can conceive in my early 40s!
A prophetic word is a faith builder like no other! It’s fuel for HOPE! A couple of very wise, mature women have spoken into my life and said a second child would come. I choose to dwell on these words as if they have all ready happened! This makes my mind and heart thankful instead of fearful. Thanking God for what is to come shifts your eyes off the negative and onto a positive and that is great way to build up a wall of hope. When the months go by and I start a new cycle, I don’t have to be emotionally down and drained. I can be thankful and keep my eye on the promise.
To keep my eyes focused on the truth, I’ve learned to ask God for details about my child. I commune with Him about her. I let Him build up my HOPE which in turn fuels my faith! I can stand on the word of God because it is true, binding and unchanging. He is the unfailing God and when He saying a child is coming… He means it!
I might be running a marathon through the wilderness before I am blessed with another child. But while I am waiting, I will do my very best to protect my desire, persevere, keep my hope alive, fight against attacks of the enemy, and remain thankful for what is to come.
Romans 5:5 NIV “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”