This is a devotional I wrote that was recently published on a friend’s devotional site. I thought it seemed fitting to publish it here as well. Enjoy and many blessings.
Whether it was my biological clock ticking or a Holy Spirit prompting, I had a sudden urge to be a mom after saying, “I do.” I thought I’d have no problem bearing children, but that was not the case for me.
The honeymoon period of our marriage turned into something out of a horror film – moments plagued with fear, blood and death. In the span of three years, I miscarried five children.
In the aftermath of the fourth miscarriage, a part of me died. The enemy trampled on my heart and marched through my thought life as I sank my teeth into several lies including:
- God is not for me.
- I can’t rely on God as Protector.
- I’m being punished for past sin.
- I’m not worthy.
A truly dead season
Some would say I was glutton for punishment as we pressed on, and after the fifth baby died, my doctor diagnosed a severe infection in my tubes. “I’m sorry, you’re sterile.” Those words shot through me like a giant bullet.
I was breathing, but every hope and vision for our marriage vanished. My heart managed to beat, but it was certainly shattered into pieces.
Death consumed me. My babies. My dreams. My future. My flesh was in rapid decay as fear, jealousy and hatred took root in my broken heart.
In my unhealthy grieving, I was a slave to sin and dead in my transgressions. I stewed in anger and bitterness while scowling at pregnant women. I truly believed God was against me.
My heart was charred. I had been burned beyond recognition, and yet, something inside of me knew I had to keep trying.
With spring comes new life
As Easter 2009 approached, I was captivated by the execution and resurrection of Jesus. Did He really do all of this for me? Why? What did this mean in my life?
One night while watching the Passion of Christ, I got an answer. As His story unfolded before my eyes I wept as a voice began to whisper, “Every bit of this was done for you.”
The lashes. The torture. The humiliation. Every bruise and drop of blood was for me. The sacrifice. The death. The resurrection. Jesus did it all for me!
As this revelation penetrated every cell in my body, something happened. My sin began to fade into the background as the Gospel of Jesus Christ brought new life into my dead limp body.
It was just as Chris Tomlin so beautifully sang,
“Into the darkness you shine
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.
I had an awakening, or better yet, a Lazarus experience. The truth of Jesus Christ brought me back to life.
In an instant, I was sold out completely. Now, because He died, I could live. Because He was raised, I could rise out of the fear and dread. His grace began to fuel me. Faith welled up in my spirit and no matter what the doctor’s said, I truly believed I would have a natural child.
Alive and kicking
Even though test after test continued to reveal bad news, the passion in my heart for a baby flourished. The more I focused on the truth of Jesus Christ, the more faith grew. It was early March, when the surgeon scheduled me for an exploratory surgery to determine for sure whether my tubes needed to be removed. But Jesus Christ, the great Physician, saw to it that I would never see the inside of the surgical suite.
The week of Easter Scott and I discovered that I had been completely healed and even more miraculous, I was pregnant. Nine months later, we were blessed with a beautiful daughter.
Resurrection is defined as a rising again, as from decay; the act of bringing back to vibrancy; revival.
My story didn’t ended after my daughter entered the world. Many things were birthed through this season – a deep love affair with my Lord and a desire to help others receive freedom.
Truly dying to self has been a process for me. Processing what it means to take up the cross and follow Him is a daily challenge that I humbly accept! For me, this started with the need to rid strongholds in my life. Then there was a prompting to share my story. Eventually a call came to see women healed and set free. I’ve seen hearts and lives restored as well as physical pain and infirmity be stopped.
I have no idea what is in store for my life. But one thing I know for sure, I will live it with vibrancy and with one thing in mind – revival.
Chris Gore, head of Bethel’s healing school said in a Think International interview that he believes that we are living in the greatest revival that’s ever been on the face of this earth. I believe he’s right.
It was through my greatest tragedy I was able to rise and see Jesus for the first time. I was plucked out of the decay and given a new lease on life. Now with Jesus by my side, I choose to live it vibrantly.
Are you stagnant in your faith? What are some ways you can step out and fuel your faith?
What are some areas of your life that need to be revived?
What is your story? Do you believe that your testimony is a miracle that can and will demonstrate to others the Gospel of Jesus?
What would revival look like in your life?
Have you given up?